“Wow, Kacey, you’re not as dumb as Yamarino said you were.”

“…you go on?”
“Nine!”
“That’s German for I decline my turn, right?”

“I’m not attracted to him, but I can appreciate his cleanliness.”

“It is a true Speerspitzian horse.  It says ‘I love you’ in the night.  Give you reacharound.”
A pause ensues.
“Wait.  What?”

“Wait, they’re poisonous? I think I have a spell for that. Hmm, I have detect poison but guess what I don’t have. I can’t cure you but I can see the poison moving through your veins, and you’re fucked!”

“It will be a week of travel before you get there.”
“We haven’t played in three weeks!  I assumed we were travelling the whole time!”

“Yeah, Darryl’s being raped by the man.”

“You slay the male chule.”
“My one point helped!”

“Oh, you’re that kind of boggard!  You’re a buggered boggard.”

“Look, you gave Bryan a hairball.”
“I think my beer just curdled.”

“I don’t want to know where the rest of this conversation is going, so I’m going into the cave.”

“…Can I join a different kingdom?”

“I want him to make me a human-edible sandwich.”
“So you want him to wash his hands first?”

“I can see!  I can see!  I can see that weapon hitting me in the face!”

“…You’re not a kid.”
“No, ma’am.  I’m guessing it was the five o’clock stubble that tipped out off.”

“I am not going to get waylaid by this large woman tonight…”

“Perception checks!”
“Twenty, modified.”
“…Best not spoken of in polite company.”

“Wow.  I never would have guessed that skull-boy was one of them.”

“You know, Kacey is going to be very upset when he learns his horse is named Tubesock.”

“This is the guy you see on the boat.”
“Oh god, it’s Mark Twain.”
“Or Einstein.”

“We’re looking for earth’s tonsils at this point.”

“The forces of evil will use it for something malicious.”
“Or we will need to breathe underwater.”

“Let’s take something important.  Like the plug.”

“I don’t like the way that mermaid’s looking at me.”
“…It’s a piece of wood.”

“Hey… we lost a label right in the middle.  I guess that’s where we’re going to stick the prison?”

(discussion of the lack of salt in the general store)
“That’s it!  Kacey and Yammy have been here!”

“I’m beginning to think you’re setting prices just to watch his face…”
“It’s straight out of the book!”

“Like we need an apothecary.  Especially a half-elf.”
“Could you… clarify?”

“The existance of us three significantly lowers the average height…”

“As far as I can tell at this point, we should make it a point to find the salt.  Because horses like salt licks.”

“Oh yeah.  We were gaming.”
“Before I discovered my magical horse buttholes.”

“How the hell do you bury someone out there?  There’s no dirt!”
“They bury them in the sea.”
“That’s barbaric!”

“I don’t have all that many accents in my repertoire.”
“Just go with Sam Elliot and everything will be ok.”

“Dwarven beard sign language.”

“Your dice are on…”
“What’s the opposite of fire?”
“I think ‘stand-by’ works…”

“I am respectful of other people’s cultures and beliefs… until I have to kill them.”

“And he has just the worst spell list possible for being down a pit…”

“He must have this!  Not for the prosperity of the kingdom, but for the hilarity of the situation…”

“I think an industrious centaur might hire himself out as a rickshaw taxicab…”

“The King’s Arms is the brothel.  We like to have all the whores in the King’s Arms.”

“We are the hideous buzzsaws of justice here, and they are the soft balsawood of evil.”

“Matt, will you stop fondling the soft balls of evil?”

“You are closest to Golem D, who is slightly on fire and kind of in a world of hurt…”

“Sir, I see a troll fisting a golem… I think I’m going to flee.”

“I’d like to smush those together into one big sword…”

“There used to be a nipple up there, and that’s where the city was.”

“Tell your Armag the Thrice-Born…”
“Twice.”
“Right.  Tell your Armag the Twice-Dead…”

“It would appear our spearhead is made of harder stuff than your spearhead.”

“Don’t cross the streams.”

“Tip to tip, we always come out on top.”

“I AM the barbarian conquerer, and I need to go level up… I’ll be back in a few.”

“Are those the craven barbarians?  Is that their clan name?”

“They try to slur over it so it sounds like ‘raven’, but it’s ‘craven’.”

“Are these actually brothels, or do we just send someone ahead to write ‘brothel’ on the building so the King will go there…?”

“Is he voodoo?  We have voodoo frog people?  I immediately defect!”

“Come and face me like a man!”
“That’s racist!  Can I face you like a halfling?”

“Hey, another dog-guy.”
“They all stop.  There’s a round of butt-sniffing.”

“You can have a cup of ramen.  It’s kind of like a vegetable.”

“Now think about it… she’s a gnome… she’s not grabbing epaulets.”

“Awww, Fisty.  14 points of damage.  He’s going easy on her because she’s a girl.”

“I’m a caster; I’m all about ablative shielding.”

“You can be fire resistant in the middle of a Hiroshima nuke all you want, and it’s not going to do much for you.  ‘Oh, look, there’s a testicle.’”

“Whoo-hoo, long distance defenstration.”

“I have made the world’s first cannon, and it fires werewolves!”
“You made a dogapult!”

“Was that sound… did it break the sound barrier?  I think it just broke the sound barrier…”

“He is in fact wearing blackened full plate… and it looks like it was blackened before the explosion.”

“So is Rakael cousins with Bloody ‘Ell?  Or Fucking ‘Ell?”

“And… crumple.”
“Fister!”
“And he did.”

“Well, there’s this annoying thing they do where they TALK to them instead of stave their head in with, like, a stone.”

“Could be ass water. We don’t know.”

“Charon… who was also a girl I dated in college… she was also a boatman on the river Styx…”

“I’m concerned that my Fire Sauce is stalking me…”

“Kacey, will you touch me?”
“In all the wrong ways?”
“I don’t care.”

“Right, so I banish it with my fists.”

“…And the king is dumb, that’s why it’s a kingdom.”
“What?”
“Just seeing if you were listening.”

“One, I am sickened.  Two, I am sickened.”
“This is the part of the evening where I pretend to not know you guys, right?”

“His tentacles are filled with hit points.”

“Human maracas!”

“I’m like, ‘she’s Kiera Knightly’s cheaper, more attractive replacement.’”

“Well, when one brick loves another brick, and the one brick gets down on its knee…”

“Much like a two-channel helicopter, I only ever move forward… and spin out of control.”

“You can’t put her in two bags of holding!  They’re not a Halloween costume!”

“Lots of things can breathe water.  Very few of them can breathe concrete.”

“…respect evil librarians.”
“Hell, yeah.  ‘Ook, motherfucker.’”

“I wanna see it do a stealth-shamble.”

“I could set it on fire, but I’m not sure that would help us in any way.”
“Well, it would fill the room with thick, vicious black smoke…”

“Rhinoceros, go into the tar!  That was hilarious!  Now on to the real plan!”

“The litch is watching us, going, ‘their solution was to… create a highway?’”

“It’s an undead.  It could get back up!”
“It’s a re-dead!  It’s not going to get back up!”

“You mean ‘reminiscent’?”
“Yes.  Instead of ‘reticent’.”

“You know, if I was an undead litch and someone came up and stuck a finger in me, I would be paralyzed, I’d be so surprised.”

“I offer him… accommodations in my sack.”

“I’m going to put your eye out.  And I’m going to pull your brain out your eye-hole.”

“What kind of narcissist do you have to be to carry around your phylactery in your head?”

“Where has he been saving this big damage?  I just thought he was a crappy guy with a bow…”

“It’s the Head of Vecna!  Quick, cut off your own head and put it on!”

“Oh!  Oh god!  Why did you crit me in the face?”

“I punch the king once, just to get good use out of the Stoneskin.”

“I’m sorry, Your Majesty, but Stockholm syndrome?  Not a good foundation for a marriage.”

“I’m not strapping this to the back of a pig.”

“Well, they need protection, and a roving band of fists is a lot of protection.”

“Oh, there we go.  Have the blind guy shoot the stone with a blunt arrow.”

“Aim at my voice and six inches higher.  Eight.  Eight inches higher.”

“I was going to say, ‘bring out the army of lawnmowers,’ but…”

“Pfft.  Sword?  I’d have to roll a die to make a sword work.”

“I’m still going to keep it maxed.  Because that’s how I roll.  Or rather, ride.”

“You, your majesty, were looking at the island and thinking with your tactical mind: ‘harb harb hurb harb hurb hurb.’”

“…And see what bees we stirred up.  They just happened to be wyvern bees.”

“Actually, you climbed into the pig’s ass to do your forging…”

“Oh my god.  Whoever thought of the black hole in the pig is my hero.”

“I’m interested in the top half.  Reinheit is interested in the bottom half.”

“We brought back your daughter-jerky…”

“Okay, what do gnomes call a human longbow?  A siege weapon.”

“That’s right.  I can purify them before I start.”

“It’s normally stuck in the eye socket or the mouth.”
“That… applies to a lot of things.”

“Every question I asked in the interview,  you answered something else!  But the question you answered was better, so I took it!”

“Kobolds get racial bonuses to trap making, which is what makes Feng’s daily commute lots of fun…”

“I could detect evil on the water, but I don’t think it’s really going to do anything.”

“That wasn’t my fault.”
“Was it the SOFA’s fault?”

“You can’t be outsmarted by a sofa, Matt.”

“Okay, but at least he hit something manly.”

“We do not live in a world where tigers drop off trucks into the road…”

“Oh, yeah.  So when I get bisected…”

“King, I can summon friendly celestial guinea pigs…”

“A shark would be awkward, probably inappropriate.”

“The trap is all psychological.  The trap is just to distract us and waste time.”

“Can you lift the portcullis?”
“Not as a strength 8 kobold.”

“I can assure you that Agai is unlikely to surrender unless you can make ME cry.”

“Sorry, we’re not going to play Go Fish with armor class here.”

“He reaches into his ear… for his necklace… no, he doesn’t reach into his ear…”

“Are those Whose Line Is It Anyway points?”

“Sarah, +1 point for role-playing the smoke damage…”

“That’s not smoke inhalation, that’s chip inhalation.”

(In a room full of fire) “It’s not going to be a problem that I have a +1 Flaming crossbow, right?”

“So what I’m hearing here is an owlbear-monk air strke.”

“Just goes to show you – whether it be a giant cyclops or a wooden floor, there’s no obstacle we can’t punch through.”

“We killed Agai and got his bag of holding.”
“Can we kill Another Guy?”
“That’s his brother.”

“We’ve got the entire dungeon to ourselves?  Why are we busting out?”

“Hard labor in the medical grade salt mine?”

“Look on the bright side.  Everyone else who dies before us will be well-spiced jerky…”

“That’s too bad, because I don’t have rules for awakening my sentience over time.”

“Do you know how hard it was to find a king who likes owlbears and kobolds?”

“We found out what happened!”
“He turned the fucking map sideways and everyone fell off!”

“This guy is on the cover.  Trust me, you’re going to get a turn.”

“We’ve gone from fishing from armor class to fishing for damage?”

“It’s a little too hot of a lead.  We need a lukewarm lead.”

“Nyarlathotep is too much of a dick to worship.”
“As opposed to the rest of them?”

“I’m prestidigitating his sword.  It now has streamers and a bell.”

“Augh, I’ve been tied up in my own intestines!   You guys are dicks!”

“If I spend both my Hero points and all the spells I have left, can I just fill the room with magma and put us all out of our misery?”

“So I can use Burning Gaze to burn out my own retinas, right?”

“Be a better tool!  Be a +1 tool!”

“Great.  That’s just what we need.  Regenerating tentacles.”

“Oh, and you have two trolls trapped in a circle we scratched on the ground!  Speaking of good help!”

“It’s always medical grade salt with you, isn’t it?”

“She is going to murder me an extra kind of special, isn’t she?”

“Is it a… historic… yell?”

“Yeah, Ben Franklin would fit into Knowledge: HIstory.  But you’re not being attacked by a 50-foot Ben Franklin.”

“That’s Whore Mountain… that’s Whore Mountain… That’s Whore Valley between them… and I think we can all agree that that’s Chlamydia Ridge…”

“Well, it’s made no violent action thus far except killing an elf…”

“I remember. Yog-sothoth is the doorknob.”

“We’ve replaced this halfling’s saddle with a dragon’s head!”

“No, I think we’re going to avoid the bleeding scrotum for the evening.”

“Fuck Yog-sothoth, I want to fling dicks!”

“Johanna’s diseased virtue is intact…”

“Because my god does, in fact, allow me to eat my breakfast as well as drink it…”

“I thought he was just practicing being a Jawa Jedi…”

“Of course, that’s not hard.  Their population is, what, four ghosts and a bad feeling now?”

“I’m sorry, you said Viresians and my mind filled with images of knees…”

“Combat clowning 101…”

“Nuke him, Rico.”
“…I can’t do anything until the grey box text is over!”

“Don’t hit the naughty button. …Don’t tweet that.”

“Ring of Protection +2… Ring of keys…”
“Ring of Keys?  What does it do?”
“…Opens doors?”