“That’s what I get for sticking a d20 in my ear.”

“How did you become Thor?  Well, it’s the end of Hulk’s turn.  Captain?”

“Oh, I love horses! Especially with mustard!”
“Okay, we can’t be friends any more.”

“They’re just copying us.  What the heck.”

“…the fireworks will move from morally ambiguous to blatantly evil.”

“First of all, I have an owlbear shirt, so screw you all.  Second of all, the horse fisting was not my fault.”

“Apparently we don’t get to be very attached to it, because something else is going to get attached to it.”

“I mean, wear armor in battle, wear a towel in the bathroom… either way, he’s getting his ass switched.”

“Can’t an ogre mage love a half-orc?”
several: “No.”

“…King Irrivetti of the touch AC is less than 21…”

“Pull up your pants and fight like a man!”
“You’re the only one that doesn’t wear pants when you’re sitting on the throne, Your Majesty.”

“They’re both wearing dresses, as far as I’m concerned.”
“Who, the half-orcs?”
“Yeah.”
“Like, pretty sundresses?”

“Well, now that I don’t have to heal him…”
“And there are no good-aligned characters left…  Wait.  Are you good?”
“Yes…”
“Quick, look over there!”

“That would have just failed the spell, way to go you hippie.”

“Twenty?  That’s not up to your usual par.”
“I only hit him once.”

“So… how long have you been preparing for my death?”
“Second level.”

“Just a moment.  Let me finish rolling the king up.”

“Oooh, it would be interesting to make tobacco out of the king’s body.”
“…That would be jerky.”

“…a large owlbear rug lies on the floor…”
“You’re not making that up?!”

“Next, you’re going to tell me he’s got a kobold skull cane.”

“How could you kill an owlbear, you nature-loving bitch!?”

“Well, I’m sorry the king died at an inconvenient time.”

“She’s also green.  What do you want?”
“Hey, Captain Kirk…”

“So where is the Briar?”
“The other side of the curtain.”
“Uh… could we have this conversation in English?”

“Wait, which one of me was sleeping with my wife?”

“He’s going to have an important janitorial job in Feng’s monastery.”
“No, no, he’s going to have a VERY dedicated roommate.  Some might even call them a warden.”

“Did you just invent a Rube Goldberg imprisonment?”
“Yes.”

“It’s 1000 gold a pop, but I spent 2 feats on it, so you’re getting cloned again.”

“Who can use bastard swords?”
“Bastards.  My children…”

“The Fisting of Pittaxe?”
“Nope.  No fisting.  Yamarino isn’t here.”

“Remember, remember, the Fisting of November?”

“He’s going to check to see if they’re redeemable first, but only for cash and prizes.”

“Yes, we have one of the fastidious party members with us.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t bring my formal wetsuit.”

“Think like an assassin…”
“You ARE the assassin.”

“‘You done fucked up.  Also, the lake has a turtle problem.’”

“Oooh, it could also say, ‘Are you familiar with defenestration?’”
“‘I’d like to speak with you about defenestration and defenestration accessories…’”

“Like fighting in cement.”
“…I’m glad you said ‘nt’…”

“This is the worst room I’ve ever been in!”
“So… sticky…”

“You know, that wasn’t really funny, but it was odd, and I have to share it so that everyone understands the trauma that made me who I am.”

“You’re customer of the month on the wall!”
“For two years running!”

“I don’t tip – I cure.  I’m doing a community service.”

“He doesn’t fuck fair – he fucks foul.  That’s why he’s so dirty.”

“Yeah, the stabby people are having to talk.  Give us a little leeway.”

“That’s good.  I mean, that’s a good grudge to have.”

“But as king of Speerspitze, I see every citizen as my children.  And half of them are…”

“It had plate armor, but not a liver.”
“Well, this is why he died…”

“He is pretty mad…”
“Then I will refer to him henceforth as the Mad King Irrivetti.”

“Will you tell us about the trap?  Before the king talks some more?”

“I kissed the picture.”
“Ugh.  Do you know how unsanitary that is?”

“You like to eat rotted flesh?  *I* like to eat rotted flesh!”

“I don’t understand.  I wait in the antechamber and don’t touch the walls.”

“And most of all, I don’t lick the walls.”
“So you… Uh.  Battered like beaten, not batter like batter…”

“As your king, I demand that you lick the wall!”
“No.”

“It will be written into Speerspitzan law, you must lick the wall!”

“As soon as they start talking about licking the walls, you’re gone.”

“It occurs to me, Bryan, that the reason he doesn’t ask her to lick the wall is that he actually wants to know how it tastes.”

“Is there hustle as well as bustle?”
“It only says bustle.  I assume there is also hustle, however…”

“Would that be one of the doors?  So there would be 99 left?  We can take it down and pass it around…”

“This is Feng, slayer of the inanimate.”

“Wait, an a-hole is going to appear?  Irrivetti must be coming.”

“He said sanctum, not rectum.”
“Wrecked ‘em?  You just about killed him.”

“The horse does not sleep in my room!  He only appears when there’s trouble!”
“So when there’s a thunderstorm…”

“It’s not my fault we’re thunder-buddies!”

“Hoon!  They’re crafty little dancers!  They’ll shake anything that’s not nailed down!”

“She can’t move, but she’ll never fall down!”
“It’s the world’s first steampunk wedding dress!”

“It goes on like Iron Man’s armor and walks her down the aisle whether she wants to go or not.”

“I hire a group of engineers not burdened by morals to do a fireworks display for us…”

“Why morally ambiguous?”
“I want it to be awesome!”

“It was extremely convinced to come devour our city on this memorial day.”

“They’re like paladins!  You can’t eat the shell, but the meat inside was fantastic!”

“Morally ambiguous fireworks!”
“It was a wonderful celebration – 27 courses, and only 6 peasants caught on fire!”

“They give you a bill for 1000 pingpong balls.”
“I hand it to the treasurer…”

“For those of you without the benefit of a long, sticky tongue, we have Feng to lengthen it for you.”

“As in professional kobolds.”
“As opposed to the amature kobolds.”

“Don’t druids despoil nature despoilerers.”

“For the next three months, the kingdom considers it your duty to sire an heir.”
“Would that be riding?  Because if it is, I got a 27.”

“Okay.  I don’t want to decide what kind of check it is to determine whether you get your wife pregnant.”

“I do nothing to prevent the creation of smaller Andrii.”

“What?!  We spent 2 hours setting up a wedding, 7 seconds having sex, and then she dies?!”

“Well, if my wife is dead, what I really need is the spell Raise Child.”

“I don’t know that childbirth counts as a Death effect.”

“…all without spilling the glass of absinthe she was drinking when the chimera attacks.”
“Okay, that’s just too far.”

“It looks like Helena Bonham Carter on a bad day.”

“Didn’t you already dance to a woman’s crotch?”

“Halflings were little humans, gnomes were little elves…”
“And dwarves were little shits.”

[On merfolk]
“+2 Will, +2 Charisma…”
“Minus 2 legs..”

“I don’t know how you get a half-ooze…”
“By sticking things where they don’t belong.”

“See, he’s not in range of anyone but Kevin, so he’s really more of a danger to himself.”

“Are you saying that one day, we might have a kobold president?”

“I was talking to the big red death machine.”
“No, I knew you were talking to the big red retard.”

“Well, also, Andros isn’t quite sure what a retard is, so he thinks it’s a compliment.”

“He has retarded the enemy on many fronts!”

“I said he was interested in monsters too.”
“No, you said ‘unusual beings.’  That could be whores.”

“We are no longer a mullet relationship.”

“…I feel weird about this.”
“Yeah, but you’re putting it in your wallet.”

“Aaaand now we meet Steve West, velociraptor fister.”

“If they’re smart enough to open doors, they’re smart enough to have consensual sex.”

“Rehearse was always…”
“Rehearse was NEVER…!”

“Can I compete in contests?”
“Can I compete in rest?”

“Re-education smut?”

“And you thought sex with a centaur was weird for YOU.”

“When I stop throwing up, people talk to me.”

“He is a super healer.  She is a super tank.  I am a super DPS.  Between the three of us, with our supidity…”

“You’ve obviously been into your stocks before you came…”
“I travel with a VERY interesting paladin.”

“I thought that was the all-clear!”
“That WAS the all-clear!”
“Oh.  I thought that was the hit him…”

“I built Fister for two reasons.  One, because I could.”

“I agree!  He is horse’s ass!”

“That’s right… because the coins don’t have his face.”

“Really?  We’re going there?”
“Hey, if Janet Jackson can do it on national television…”

“Why do you keep running into my shield, Armag?  Huh?  Huh?”

“What language did he speak?”
“Hallit.”
“I don’t think even my linguist knows that.  So he speaks Halibut.”

“Jason writes in Halibut.”

“Aww.  You got the owlbear all excited.”

“It’s taser-paw!”

“It’s a 20 point Indian burn…”

“I will non-lethally bite his head off.”
“So, it’s a lick attack?”

“How many licks does it take to get to the center of an Armag the Twice-Born?”

“How much do you lick him for?”
“Uh… 22 points of licking.”
“Oh my god, that tongue is so rough!”

“Okay, you get to come over and take care of the holes YOU put into him.”

“I am a fucking badass when I’m using someone else’s fucking weapon…”

“You’re much better at being Armag than Armag was.  You should think about adopting the job…”

“I don’t know if it’s worse that YOU said it, or that I thought it half a second before you did.”

“It’s a masterwork broken glass bottle.”

“If there’s an awkward moment, I dance to lighten the moment.”

“But I’m not handing them the sword like it’s yesterday’s jam.”

“Can I use Knowledge: Engineering to make the next building we build look way more expensive than it is?”

“Armag the oh-my-god-are-you-gonna-be-sorry.”

“…an iron gate, rimed with rust…”
“That doesn’t rhyme with rust.”

“If I go in there, I’m going to get tetanus and throw up…”

“WE MUST DEFEAT IT WITH FIRE!  Only that would have set off the alarms, so we defeated it with paper towel.”

“…Which now, it’s starting to boil, because it’s got a wall of fire on each side.”
“And burning hands.”

“The books are remarkably silent on how you set a puddle of water on fire.”

“Was that another Nyquil evening for you?”

“I knew you were going to turn it into a blanket of dicks.”

“Don’t stroke it too much… it’s hard to roll up when it’s… excited.”

“Trust me, if you MEAN it, you can defeat a troll with this blanket.”

“I am Darius, PUDDING-BANE!  And I judge you…”
“Delicious!”

“We are not going to have survived taking the city just to be killed by its garbage disposal unit.”

“Batman knows how to kill all his enemies; I know how to fit everyone.”

“That, and I think it’s fun to shout Turkish at people when they sneeze.”

“You were looking for priests.”
“They count as loot.”

“BE MY GPS!”

“They also don’t play rock-paper-scissors.”
“What do they play?”
“Char-Andros-Feng.”
“Yeah, but if they throw Andros, they always win!”

“Why were you attacked by player characters often enough to notice a pattern?”

“You should see how many times he has to purify his food before he eats it.”

“You have a gay orc lover, and he lives in an ivory tower and summons soap.”
“What a strange group of nobles we are.”

“Graduate everyone on the first day… but we charge them for a full semester worth of lessons!”

“Orc-fuckery.”
“Orc-buggery, thank you.”

“Did he just say he has four noses?”

“These dumbasses think people are cattle!”

“I just figured hilarity would ensure, and he hasn’t let me down yet.”

“That is a strange question.”
“I can ask stranger.  Does he wear tapioca and dance?”

“I can castigate it – I can yell at it and call it a naughty rock.”

“Which one is Hubris?”
“Hope – uh – Pride.”
“No, which character?”

“Silly dwarf, air doesn’t burn.”

“The wood-chipper is your new religion?  You’re a wood-chippist?”

“Sir? Why isn’t it dawn, sir?  Someone has put us in a burlap bag, sir…”

“It’s really bad when you get the reports that are ALL black.  I don’t know what’s going on, but it must be bad!”

“There is one person in this party who might be able to dress up as a woman… and it’s not the [female] rogue.”

“You don’t need keys to operate an AT-AT, you just need it to form Voltron…”

“This is a true sandbox moment.”
“I know, but…” [several objections]
“Okay, this is a true litterbox moment…”

“I think we need a talking stick.”
“Can it have a lead weight?”
“Here.  Whoever holds my blood pressure pills…”

“That’s how you know we’re getting old.  We’re gaming with my blood pressure pills.”

“Well, whiskey dick is a real problem…”

“And this is why we can’t have nice things.”
“There are SO many reasons why we can’t have nice things.”

“Bryan, I’m going to get a bucket, and…”
“Take it to the widow?”

“What’s wrong with you people?”
“Do you want a list?  Shall I alphabetize it?  Have you MET us?”

“You know what?  I don’t think you can handle guards.  Let’s get you an ant farm, and maybe next year you can have guards.”

“Sir, a broom elemental has been through here!”

“It’s a disguise!  It’s a bucket of guard!”

“They both recently drank from the Everready teat.”
“SUCK MY LIGHTNING BOLT!”

“So the Pittaxian daily news is going to read ‘Weird fetishist pantses castle guard.’”

“I’m thinking a window…”
“Maybe a push?”
“Defenestrate a point – oh, that’s demonstrate a point.”

“It’s kind of like magic Tourette’s.”

“I do not have Prestidigitate today.  Would you like to be lit up?”

“If by charge you mean he starts charging, and I just open the door again.”

“Why do you have that foul mutt?”
“It’s been perfectly delightful to me.”
“It hasn’t pooped twice.”

“No, she’s just more than willing to believe that the insane king of Speerspitze will hire any monster he can find.”