“I don’t even have the grease spell, but I still walk around with a pork rind and some butter. Doesn’t everybody?”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“His theory of infinity was clearly wrong.”
\n“Or was it right? Time is a flat circle.”
\n“No, it was wrong.”<\/p>\n
“Is it like a pond?”
\n“No, it’s a circle. A flat circle.”
\n“Are you trying to describe a clock?”<\/p>\n
“Which bolt?”
\n“Yeah, that bolt. And I play the Addams Family theme every time.”<\/p>\n
“I just want to yell out sins and charge. ‘VANITY!'”<\/p>\n
“When he returns with the key, I say, ‘Would you like me to go get that? Because I have longer legs.'”
\n“I open him with the key.”<\/p>\n
“Are you completely useless as a wizard? ‘What’s this spell component thing? Why do I need components for spells?'”<\/p>\n
“You should have been a Chevrolet?”
\n“Chevalier.”
\n“Oh. That makes much more sense.”<\/p>\n
“Oh. We’re going anti-pasta-clockwise.”<\/p>\n
“‘Sir! A party of adventurers is approaching. Should we flee?’ ‘No, don’t worry. They’re just going to stand around and talk to each other for hours.'”<\/p>\n
“A doll in a lacy yellow dress sits – ”
\n“I’m out.”
\n“NOPE.”<\/p>\n
“Wait, didn’t y’all bisect the doll while I was at the other end of the room?”
\n“Yes.”
\n“Good. Then I can go into the room now.”<\/p>\n
“We got here too late!”
\n“Apparently a millennium too late! Look at all the dust!”<\/p>\n
“Seems like the most idiotic way to get into the basement – go to the attic?”<\/p>\n
“Pete – ‘I like being in charge’ and ‘I don’t like being told what to do.'”
\n“Wait, I thought these were *character* traits…”<\/p>\n
“The chest contains the dusty remains of the nursemaid.”
\n“This treasure chest sucks. This is the worst treasure chest ever.”<\/p>\n
“I don’t usually pay attention to people playing paladins, because they’re dicks. Except you. You’re not a dick.”<\/p>\n
“Okay, I’m not going to follow – wait. Which of them is more possessed?”<\/p>\n
“Are you still holding a grudge about that?”
\n“I taught all goddamned dwarves everywhere how to hold grudges!”<\/p>\n
“We left soot markers! We have a chalk shortage! Please bring chalk! Chalk levels are critical!”<\/p>\n
“Are you still alive?”
\n“Signs point to yes.”<\/p>\n
“Can’t we get one of those harness things and tie him to our belt or something?”<\/p>\n
“What does that fleshy sack taste like?”<\/p>\n
“For the sane people in the room, the expression on Bryn’s face is very much ‘why am I humoring this?'”
\n“The expression here is ‘why are you encouraging this?!'”<\/p>\n
“Are you jealous of my luxurious collection of spells? I coat them in velour…”<\/p>\n
“They’ve been sitting inside me, waiting to spurt out of me! I’m a font of wild magic!”
\n“I am definitely not holding your hand.”<\/p>\n
“How do we know it’s a wolf’s tongue?! Why did we open the box? Who’s touching this stuff?!”<\/p>\n
“So no one ceded to my request to stand still?”
\n“No.”
\n“So my casting was ruined by your level of attention?”<\/p>\n
“Let’s not get into a contest of who can set fire to more things. Because clearly, I would win.”<\/p>\n
“Stop. Sit next to him.”
\n“Are you saying you don’t want to be in the middle of this?”
\n“I’m saying I can’t send you to your room.”<\/p>\n
“You know, if your people want you to be a messiah, be a messiah. It’s not that difficult!”<\/p>\n
“Oh, are we making this a game?”
\n“Yes, let’s make it a game. I’m at 16.”
\n“I’m at 16 too. But technically your 16 should count for me, because I set that up.”<\/p>\n
“I asked y’all to wait ten minutes! You didn’t even have to wait 10 minutes of your real life; you could have just said ‘ok!'”<\/p>\n
“And you fall prone. I don’t know what that means to a compost heap…”<\/p>\n
“That’s right! I’m the slayer! Call me Zif the – ”
\n“Salad slayer?”
\n“Too bad you weren’t firing a missle at it. Then you could be Zif the salad shooter.”<\/p>\n
“Why does it have that? Is it going to the compost heap store?”
\n“How many times have you lost coins in the laundry? There’s also 25 dirty socks.”<\/p>\n
“Can you take 3 damage?”
\n“Not only can I take 3 damage, but I leap to my feet, yell, ‘YEEAHHHH!’ and spike the bear.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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