“What do you guys have for bonds?”
\n“Well, I have these fuzzy handcuffs.”<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
“I thought you said second attack reacharound.”
\n“Why is that your second attack?”<\/p>\n
“That’s an entirely different version of lay on hands.”
\n“Are you kidding? We’ve never gone around. We always go straight in there.”<\/p>\n
“I was going to say pants, because I know they’re not fairy.”<\/p>\n
“Again, this is a pro-pants environment.”<\/p>\n
“You heard him say it.”
\n“To be fair, I hear him say a lot of things.”<\/p>\n
“I do have ‘do more harm than good’ – I mean, ‘do more good than harm.'”<\/p>\n
“Why didn’t I take the enlarge spell? Then I could ride it.”
\n“Why didn’t you take the reduce spell? Then it could fit in your bag.”<\/p>\n
“Yes. If I get bitten by a raven and turn into a were-raven, I will change my name to Caw Tharsis.”<\/p>\n
“That mill was horribly misunderstood.”
\n“Oh, I think we understood that mill very well.”
\n“Look, that mill wasn’t designed to grind the bones of children…”<\/p>\n
“Matt, you’re not allowed to have physical maps. You tear them in half.”
\n“That was one time!”<\/p>\n
“I mean, that was so unlikely. Usually my finger is so flaccid.”<\/p>\n
“No, it’s an orb of force, and you can’t see what I’m doing in there.”<\/p>\n
“Y’all are making it sound dirtier and dirtier.”
\n“Oh, we’re not. It’s just that way.”<\/p>\n
“Hey, do you want half of a meat pie?”
\n“NO!”
\n“Spoiler alert: the meat pie is made from children.”<\/p>\n
“The crust, possibly made from children. The meat, definitely made from children. The spices, most likely will drive you crazy.”
\n“Also, it’s like eight days old at this point.”<\/p>\n
“Around him, he has two children…”
\n“That’s eight gold!”
\n“I didn’t even say it!”<\/p>\n
“I’m well learn’ed.”
\n“If you were, sir, you’d know it’s pronounced learned.”<\/p>\n
“I’m not going to summon a spiritual creature and make it work for honey!”<\/p>\n
“Is it Arcana only? I was busy daydreaming about fire spells, sorry.”<\/p>\n
“But I get to roll!”
\n“No, no, I missed you entirely. I’m lying to you.”<\/p>\n
“Are you not human? What are you?”
\n“Good lord.”
\n“She doesn’t talk!”
\n“You can’t tell she’s a dwarf because she doesn’t talk?”<\/p>\n
“Wait, are toddlers worth less because they’re smaller, or more because they’re newer?”<\/p>\n
“I would say less, because they’re not trained. If you buy a trained horse, that costs more than an untrained horse.”<\/p>\n
“No, he puts out fires. As in, he puts them out over there… he puts them out over there…”<\/p>\n
“He’s a tiefling stripper. He doesn’t do that.” *pause* “What?! He has 8 dexterity. What else is he good for?”<\/p>\n
“Bryan? Bryan, welcome back.”
\n“Two hours in, and I’m already a stripper.”<\/p>\n
“Really? Really? You’re in your hut, nobody can see what you’re doing, and ‘what’s all this sticky stuff?!'”<\/p>\n
“Could we resurrect the pies?”
\n“Technically, yes.”
\n“So we could resurrect the pies, and like seventeen children pop out?”<\/p>\n
“It’d be a monkey’s paw. The pie starts pulsing and crying. ‘I have raisins in me!'”<\/p>\n
“I stop paying attention for two seconds, and suddenly we’re talking about pretzels with dexterity.”
\n“Mage armor!”
\n“Pretzels with Uncanny Dodge.”<\/p>\n
“Is this how all of your spells are cast now? You’re going to let the cat run across the table, and whatever lands on the floor is what you cast?”<\/p>\n
“Hold on, am I cheating? No. No I’m not.”<\/p>\n
“We’re friends now?”
\n“Yeah. It’s because we offered him bone meal.”
\n“No, it’s because we didn’t let HIM meet him.”<\/p>\n
“So there’s nothing in his paladin oath that says he can’t go with me to Vegas and have two hookers and an eight-ball.”<\/p>\n
“Hey, you want me to come do a Medicine check on you?”
\n“No, I’m good.”
\n“I’ve got a -1 in Medicine!”<\/p>\n
“But I don’t want to damage the two of you!”
\n“That’s an impressive step forward in your moral compass!”
\n“But I will anyway.”<\/p>\n
“We did that! I got all the way up to advanced cabbage patch!”<\/p>\n
“My sticky stuff has been all over everybody.”
\n“No, it hasn’t.”<\/p>\n
“You know what we call that? A sticky explosion!”
\n“Let’s not. Let’s not call it that.”
\n“I wouldn’t touch that if I were you.”<\/p>\n
“Can you cast Purell on your hand?”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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