“There was enough cheap beer that you don’t really remember last night, but you don’t remember having a bad time\u2026”<\/p>\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\n
“See, that’s the thing. My guidance counselor said I didn’t take responsibility for anything, but then I was responsible for everything that went wrong, so\u2026”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“\u2026Yeah, I’m sorry. I forget my character’s not my age.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I don’t think it’s fair that Cheryl gets to be the responsible person here, and we’re all fuck-ups.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“You are breaking major household appliances; I’m so mad I’m not there.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Is it the Friday before Wednesday or after Wednesday?”
\n“I’m so glad that’s a thing now.”
\n“It’s never going away.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I toast some waffles, I get some syrup out of my pocket\u2026”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“You can’t even tweet that. How can you tweet the battle with the syrup?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“You’re not actually sure how he’s standing up, because you’re not entirely sure he’s conscious.”
\n“I’m between falling down\u2026”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“How did my hands get sticky?”
\n“Well, you were having a play date with syrup on the counter – and I’m gonna need you to clean that up.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“The bad car guy?!”
\n“Remember, I’m not from around here.”
\n“So you got my car mixed up with somebody else’s!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“It was not a productive night’s sleep. To be fair, though, you’re 2\/3 of the way into the back seat of a 1983 Mustang. There’s nothing about that that sounds pleasant. Or comfortable.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Never seen a guy blow out a back while running. Knees are God’s mistake. Never should have made them.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“This? This is your fault.”
\n“I take pride in this! Usually when somebody says that, I’m embarrassed.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Can we have some trash bags? There’s a problem with some ordinance buried in your back yard.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I’m the one that time-traveled into the future!”
\n“Everybody does that!”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I don’t know what symbol this spins, but it’s fucked up.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“To be fair, you’re standing next to Tiger Balm cologne guy. It doesn’t smell that bad.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Why do we have a key?”
\n“There are some things you just don’t want to ask about.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Plus, somebody ransacked my house. That was probably me.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“That looks bad, doesn’t it. Is this an episode of Murder, She Wrote?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Ow.”
\n“Is that the pain of guilt?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“I’m looking for evidence that they’ve been here recently. Like sandwich fixings\u2026”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“Yeah, you’d better write that down quick.”
\n“I’m kind of afraid that they’re going to change halfway through the game.”
\n“I mean, that’s not entirely impossible.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
“You didn’t kill them! Congratulations!”
\n“I told you I didn’t!”
\n“Well, to be honest, if you had, that’s exactly what you’d say.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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