“I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.”
\n
\n“Because if it’s on the high seas, it’s piracy.\u00a0 If it’s on land, it’s illegal.”<\/p>\n
“It’s a statute of implications, really.”<\/p>\n
“I like that plan.”
\n“Which one, the kissing?”
\n“The lesbians.”<\/p>\n
“I can spread rumors about secret parties.\u00a0 Only they’re slightly less secret when I’m spreading the rumors.”<\/p>\n
“I don’t think you really understand how high-brow people work.\u00a0 I have low-browed many high-brown people in my time.”<\/p>\n
“Well, if this is a formal affair, I’m not invited.”<\/p>\n
“Hannibal Lecter good, cage mask with a luchador even better.”<\/p>\n
“I was going to go faster, and then you guys got hung up on a piece of minutae.”<\/p>\n
“Are you saying the book did not expect us to come up with an elaborate ruse to steal this treasure?”<\/p>\n
“It’s going to be awesome when nobody shows up at our party…”<\/p>\n
“I know what you can do: find the strongest alcohol you can find.”
\n“Done.”<\/p>\n
“Well, there’s only so much I can do with your mom.”
\n“That’s okay; you have to split her three ways with the crew.”<\/p>\n
“Would that be Disguise to make the ship look like an awesome party boat?”<\/p>\n
“Why did we bite this hook?\u00a0 Why?”
\n“Because it’s us?”<\/p>\n
“Are you actually looking that up like it’s a serious question?\u00a0 I’m so impressed.”<\/p>\n
“Robert was saying earlier that you were the most competent crewman.”
\n“That’s because I didn’t get a chance to fuck things up directly.”<\/p>\n
“So I’m the next most least competent person in the room.”<\/p>\n
“I’m Napoleoning this motherfucker, too.\u00a0 Standing right at the front of the ship.”<\/p>\n
“Well, we can always use more block and tackle.”
\n“Why, because we keep losing them?”
\n“No, because I’m going to have to take this ship by myself.”<\/p>\n
“What, you don’t take your long rifle drinking?”<\/p>\n
“You guys realize that if we keep this up, we won’t get through an entire grey box worth of game tonight.”<\/p>\n
“No, they’re standing by, waiting at their phones, waiting for something to be funny.”<\/p>\n
“John did manage to miss the one night he’d be useful.\u00a0 Just like a fishman disappears when we have to fight things underwater!”<\/p>\n
“No, please, NPCs.\u00a0 I’m excited.\u00a0 I had almost forgotten about them.”<\/p>\n
“I don’t like gnomes either.\u00a0 He is officially not a gnome.\u00a0 He’s some sort of higher species.”<\/p>\n
“It is only the first annual Former Pirate Queens of Port Peril Pleasure Cruise.”<\/p>\n
“Okay, I don’t know boat words.”<\/p>\n
“Thousands of people in Port Peril have seen Mary T’s kraken, and they all regret it.”<\/p>\n
“I have Handle Animal.”
\n“Good.\u00a0 Turns out, it has Handle Human…”<\/p>\n
“It’s a dwarf kraken.”
\n“No, it’s not!\u00a0 Dwarves don’t even like water.”<\/p>\n
“Oh, because you’re going to derail this even more?”<\/p>\n
“Our train has off-road wheels!”<\/p>\n
“No one has tried to sell krakens as marital aids before.\u00a0 I think we have a new business.”<\/p>\n
“Nothing says romance like tentacle porn.”<\/p>\n
“Hey, if I had to go out, going out drunk on a ship full of skeletons… no, that doesn’t sound right.”<\/p>\n
“Look, guys, we have to buckle down or we’re not going to get through this tiny piece of the game tonight.”<\/p>\n
“‘We should give him a break.’\u00a0 We could have ended the song first!\u00a0 Mouthy bitch!”<\/p>\n
“I know better, but I’m going to go investigate the other ship.”<\/p>\n
“Split the party, win a prize!”<\/p>\n
“I think we’ve established that our group finds traps by stumbling into them.”<\/p>\n
“I’m going to do that via Diplomacy, because I myself am terrible at small talk with dead people.”<\/p>\n
“Just comment on her wonderful bone structure!”<\/p>\n
“He’s trying to say ‘stick your penis in the leak!'”<\/p>\n
“You’re a captain.\u00a0 I can’t just make you work on my ship, can I?”
\n“Oh, that’s awesome.”<\/p>\n
“Which actually makes our party super-awesome, because we have a crasher.\u00a0 Unless she came to steal our ship, in which case, fuck that bitch.”
\n“Working on it.”<\/p>\n
“Did you want something, or are you just going to act horrified the whole time?”<\/p>\n
“You just ran in here, babbling about your orifaces…”<\/p>\n
“There’s no crying in pirating.”<\/p>\n
“‘Scuse me, ‘scuse me, I just need to compare how awesome” [roll] “Aww.”<\/p>\n
“It’s like my favorite restaurant – the Kraken Barrel.”<\/p>\n
“Well, we’ll send someone and a buddy – because we’re definitely on the buddy system now, and I’m totally serious…”<\/p>\n
“Don’t worry, Phipps, a qualified medical professional will be with you shortly.”<\/p>\n
“I could just whip out my head-dongle and see where that takes us.”<\/p>\n
“I don’t know them.\u00a0 Kill them.\u00a0 And I walk away.\u00a0 I’m not captain; I don’t have to worry about those decisions.”<\/p>\n
“There’s one tiny problem with this.”
\n“He’s not the captain?”
\n“There’s no brig on the Covenant.”<\/p>\n
“You get back here.\u00a0 You’re always begging to interrogate people; here’s your chance.”<\/p>\n
“You beat them with a small living cat.”
\n“Beat them with a bag of cats!”
\n“I will not have a jihad on this ship.”<\/p>\n
“Oh, now she’s playing bad cop-dumb cop.”
\n“Nope, I’m just not very smart.”<\/p>\n
“You are terrifyingly competent tonight.”<\/p>\n
“Apparently we let the other three saboteurs go, so I will send someone to round them up.”<\/p>\n
“See, that’s my patented anti-Yamarino tactic.”
\n“Anything with gravity works…”<\/p>\n
“She said she was sorry.”
\n“Yeah, well, if she was a real pirate, she wouldn’t be sorry.”<\/p>\n
“He steps on a twig.\u00a0 God knows why there’s a twig on the ship, but there’s a twig.”<\/p>\n
“Is this where he cleans up a murder site?\u00a0 Because that’s what he did every time he got caught last game.”<\/p>\n
“I want to hear this bluff.”
\n“There’s no bluff.\u00a0 I was just checking out your ship.\u00a0 It looks like a sweet ride.”<\/p>\n
“I’ve got a reasonable chance of beating a twenty-f…uck.”<\/p>\n
“I have Tourettes.\u00a0 Fishman tourettes.\u00a0 I only blurt out important parts of our plans.”<\/p>\n
“I’m going to take a page from Mary T’s book.”
\n“I have a book?”<\/p>\n
“I told you it was a horrible idea!\u00a0 All my ideas are horrible!”<\/p>\n
“You could not use your elven wiles to see what was behind the door?\u00a0 I used my wiles to see what was behind the door.”
\n“Those WERE my elven wiles.”<\/p>\n
“So what’s about to happen is that our midnight boarding party is going to be you guys, and I’m going to lead our guests in a rousing round of beat the fuck out of you three.”<\/p>\n
“Lady Graves, I apologize.\u00a0 It seems some pirates are not entirely trustworthy.”<\/p>\n
“He puts away PlayFish…”<\/p>\n
“I don’t think you understand here, Matt.\u00a0 John is not here; that means you’re in charge.”<\/p>\n
“But I at least honor the modesty of her skeletal form…”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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