“Keep your ears open; as I work up into speed, I’m going to work in ‘anal seepage’.”
\n
\n“It was… last week?”
\n“Yes!\u00a0 We managed to play two weeks in a row!”<\/p>\n
“What abut the time I missed one session and came back to no New York City?”<\/p>\n
“What?\u00a0 I enjoyed the League of Catholic Superheroes and Thor.”<\/p>\n
“How long was I across the threshhold?”
\n“Days.”
\n“I ate your rations.”<\/p>\n
“Plus, halflings are extremely fertile?”
\n“You’re a halfling?”<\/p>\n
“You were in there long enough that she evolved into a halfling.”<\/p>\n
“If you take seven lefts, it’s the third corner on the right.\u00a0 That’s where I pooped.”<\/p>\n
“It looked just like a latrine!\u00a0 Because I close my eyes when I’m in a latrine, because I’m afraid to poop.”
\n[long pause]
\n“Yeviny, what the fuck?!”<\/p>\n
“Bryan can’t handle poop jokes.”<\/p>\n
“I’m done.”
\n“Are you sure?”
\n“No.”
\n“How about you don’t talk?”<\/p>\n
“My poop is like dark matter, because I don’t poop often, but when I do, it’s super-dense.”<\/p>\n
“There is no plot.\u00a0 It died of old age years ago.”<\/p>\n
“It says ‘speak nothing and go away.'”<\/p>\n
“I’m not still Salvatine.”
\n“I wasn’t going to put my axe there.”<\/p>\n
“Maybe it’s the hall of tribute BANDS.”<\/p>\n
“It worked.\u00a0 It’s unlocked.\u00a0 Now shut the fuck up.”
\n“Our singing worked!”<\/p>\n
“Oh god!\u00a0 If you keep singing, it might re-lock!”<\/p>\n
“I hate to say this about something that’s been in your mouth, but that’s a divine magic item – ”
\n“It doesn’t taste divine.”
\n” – and I’d kind of like it.”
\n“Tastes kind of salty, in fact.”<\/p>\n
“To be fair, I drink enough; it’s probably sterile.”<\/p>\n
“I don’t think I want to give it to y’all.\u00a0 I think the wand is suddenly a twig.”
\n“Now I want it!”<\/p>\n
“I summon expendable character for eating!”<\/p>\n
“That treasure chest has a gun!\u00a0 Look out!”<\/p>\n
“This is the fourth magic falcata we’ve found!\u00a0 My god, we must be following a magical falcata smith!”<\/p>\n
“I don’t have…”
\n“Thumbs?”
\n“A pen.”<\/p>\n
“Everybody knows the triceratops is an ambiturner!”<\/p>\n
“‘That’s what spoor is, right?’\u00a0 ‘No, put that down.'”<\/p>\n
“Congratulations, Bryan.\u00a0 In a night of digressions, you have successfully digressed us into science.\u00a0 Uh… silence.”<\/p>\n
“Why are you getting Bryan wet?”
\n“Because I’m not rolling any dice, and I have to keep my hands busy somehow.”<\/p>\n
“No, no, we might win this encounter with 80s soft rock!”<\/p>\n
“Have we settled on killing it?\u00a0 Have we tried diplomacy?”<\/p>\n
“All right, this is now a swarm of triceratops.”<\/p>\n
“I extend my arms to give it a triceratops hug!”<\/p>\n
“You don’t have a weighted throwing guitar?”<\/p>\n
“You’re putting your axes up there… Are you a ranger?\u00a0 Do you have favored enema?”<\/p>\n
“That was just a warning trample.”
\n“Fire a warning trample across his nose!”<\/p>\n
“Yeviny-poaching is a cottage industry…”<\/p>\n
“It wants to have sex with you for money!\u00a0 It’s come whoring in!”<\/p>\n
“Ever since we convinced him that there could be half a rope, he’s taken things too far.”<\/p>\n
“He’s hitting me with a medusa!”<\/p>\n
“John?\u00a0 What were you doing with that hammer?\u00a0 Why was it making tiny squeaking noises?”<\/p>\n
“Hold on… I’m not actually dead.”<\/p>\n
“Are you suggesting that the solution to me bleeding to death is exsanguination?”<\/p>\n
“I’m not sure I like the idea of the ship’s surgeon playing ‘just the tip’ with me!”<\/p>\n
“OK, that can’t be John.\u00a0 He’s not playing with his hammer any more.”<\/p>\n
“I’m not saying it’s right or wrong; I’m just saying it’s not forbidden!”<\/p>\n
“You could leave out the Jen and we’d be fine.”<\/p>\n
“Then you make her responsible for that, and get yourself a phone from the 20th Century!”
\n“20th Century?”
\n“Hey, I’m hoping for the best for the guy.”<\/p>\n
“I’ll be here, playing this game.\u00a0 And I’ll get farther than you guys do…”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
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