“This just furthers my thought that you’ve got a time machine and you’re using it for asinine reasons.”
“You know what I would do with a time machine, Yammy?”
“Go back in time and watch the Judge Dredd movie 500 times in the theater?”
“You know what I would do with a hot tub time machine?”
“Go back in time and watch the Judge Dredd movie 500 times in the theater?”
“No, go back in time and run over Yammy’s mother.”
“We’re like the worst adventurers ever. With all the places we could go – Africa, the Orient, China – we went to Canada.”
“You made a PowerPoint. I don’t know why I doubted you made a PowerPoint, but… you made a PowerPoint.”
“I prefer my backup to have thumbs.”
“Does it have to be their thumbs? Because I can get some…”
“I’ve been trying to insert myself ALL OVER VANCOUVER!”
“That’s such a strange thing to aspire for your character. ‘I want to father a white NBA point guard.'”
“His secret 11th aspect is ‘will die of syphilis.'”
“Do you want a senator who’s delicious AND annoying?”
“I don’t speak… yellow.”
“Racism!”
“You’ve been giving blow jobs to smurfs again, haven’t you?”
“Avatar.”
“He has to get money somehow.”
“He gave you a nanookie.”
“Is that the real punishment?”
“I’m gonna be raped by a polar bear.”
“Man, that polar bear’s hot.”
“You’re going to get hung. Not be hung, get hung.”
“You stole a Texan’s horse!”
“But he’s in Canada!”
“Wow. He’s actually, like, putting thought into this. I’m scared.”
“The easiest way to get out of this is for us to commit a greater atrocity…”
“Why are you doing that to the edges of your Reeses?”
“You remember that commercial about how there was no wrong way to eat a Reeses?”
“You’re trying to prove them wrong?”
“He is doing semaphore.”
“He’s going to have to tell me what he’s spelling…”
“And in my defense, I did not know there was an ocean RIGHT THERE.”
“Or it could just be chickenscratch.”
“Or it could be written in fish.”
“Do any of us have – ”
“Work addresses? Yes.”
“- No, the skills – ”
“Nope.”
“If you want to ride to Squamish…”
“I have to get out of town.”
“So you’re finally acknowledging you’re a horse thief.”
“So there IS a pulp location generator. There’s nothing as exotic as Vancouver.”
” – washed up somewhere more exciting. Like Prince Edward Island.”
“I believe these people came here, were drawn here for some reason to get their feet stolen.”
“Where’s West?”
“Riding north.”
“You know you take as long as a woman, ja?”
“I take longer than a woman! I shop on MAN hours!”
“Are you picking the lock or committing rape?”
“The dark heart of Vancouver!”
“That was alcohol, right? Cause I just drank it.”
“The sinister hand of Nanook!”
“Those bastards!”
“Why would you drink again!? Are you that dense?!”
“Yes, breathe into the bottle. Traditionally you use a paper bag, but an upside down plastic bottle will work in your case.”
Annnnd…. break for retrieving a die from a very bad place…
“He’s not touching you! Get over it!”
“Bryan, if you ever get into a fight, just cringe.”
…Note to self: next time, pick places that don’t sound silly after 50 repetitions…
“I got it from a saddlebag, from West.”
“From a horse?”
“I would assume.”
“I am not getting in Otto’s dinghy.”
“…I wondered why you were reaching there…”
“I thought you said ‘great American outback!'”
“No, the great American hat!”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m being a pirate?”
“A spoon pirate?”
“Dude, if you bend that, you’ll have half of David Caruso’s sunglasses!”
“He’s a member of the dreaded flatware pirates!”
“I’ve never been compared to the three-boobed chick from Total Recall before.”
“Let’s leave the Face here, and go talk to people in Squamish!”
“You’re a brilliant tactician… you leave your ‘Face’ here and go off to Squamish to TALK TO PEOPLE!”
“Americans. They’re like us, only less polite. And louder. And they don’t appreciate curling.”
“And fearless of the dark!”
“Even if he IS evil, that just makes him neutral. He’s Canadian.”
“I can’t do this! It’s like shooting a Howitzer at an orphanage!”
“In the unlikely event of polar bear mauling, you’ll have to get your own horse!”
“He knows you! You don’t have to pull the RCMP card every time!”
“She would have lacked the stench of back-bacon and the stench of butter.”
“I think this is a great time for a cut scene because I just rolled two to shit my pants!”
“Oh yeah, we’re not being racist anymore…”
“When did we stop being racist?”
“I went crazy fast! Like VOOM!”
“Yeah, like lightning crazy.”
“If I wanted you dead, I could have killed you from 300 yards away.”
“Will I be futter-wacking at the end?”
“…And… drink.”
“Stop being nervous! They already got your sister – why would they get you?! You already got picked second for kidnapping!”