“Daredevil has an increasing problem with the modern world. ‘Oh, I can read ink… oh… wait… what is this? Is this an iPad? Screw you.'”
“I like Pinhead. You never run out of needles, and you punish the intellectual elite.”
“I’m sorry if my terminology offended you. House elemental sounded good to me.”
“Can you imagine what’s happened to the economy?”
“Well, I haven’t been embezzeling…”
“…I’ll grab someone in a position of authority…”
“That’d be me!”
“…Namely Sarah…”
“No, if I go somewhere and people follow me because I’m doing something awesome, that’s leading!”
“Seriously, we’re going to set the water on fire again?”
“I don’t suppose ‘resist bitch’ is covered.”
“It’s not really an element…”
“Well, now you can keep it.”
“The bubonic plague?”
“When you roll a 3, you let the horse look.”
“It’s a Linorm.”
“Don’t you rub that on…”
“No, that’s Linorm-mint. It’s made from dead Linorm.”
“You really did drink the stupid potion, didn’t you.”
“Its other head does not count as flanking with you.”
“Unless we charm it!”
“Well, that’s why he’s confused! He has no pants!”
“Uh. You probably want to include chips with that.”
“No! Lick it! Lick it! Get a spoon! Get a fucking straw!”
“…Go ahead. You had a turn that had nothing to do with salsa.”
“Bryan, think this through. When you describe what happens, you need to use hand motions.”
“Harry Dresden can. Why can’t you?”
“Hitch points?”
“Yes. It’s like hit points, only with a ‘ch’ at the end.”
“That’s what this cyclopean litch said when we showed up.”
“This is ridiculously stupid, who rides around in a bag?”
“I have knowledge: geography. Are elves a place?”
“You can laugh, but I go last.”
“What did you get?”
“I go last.”
“What did you roll?”
“I go last.”
“No, after the whole I didn’t do anything but I made it worse for everyone incident.”
“You’re going to have to be more specific.”
“I swear to god, Bryan, I’ve known you for like a decade, and it wasn’t until this game that I knew all of your accents.”
“All three of them?”
“I can’t even read. I’m just looking at the pictures and assuming the story and making up numbers.”
“I’m going to declare ‘asshole bane’.”
*turns to king* “Run.”
“There are no level 1 bitches in the First World.”
“Apparently I’ve been grappled for a while.”
“Now maybe you can hit things!”
“…No…”
“Do they have a Will save to not spontaneously combust?”