“Does it die if it stops moving?”
“No.”
“Well, it’s not really a shark-dog, is it?”
“Well, we bred the best of dogs [with sharks], and one of the best features of dogs is that they don’t die if they stop moving…”
“It’s not a nurse shark. It’s a nursing home shark.”
“The beard was asking for it.”
“Okay, so we riot into their gun cases first…”
“Daredevil’s like, ‘Why’s it so fucking dark?’ ‘You’re blind!’ ‘But I’m really sure the lighting is bad in here!'”
“Daredevil should start every scene with, ‘Why’s it so dark in here?'”
“Deadpool says ‘bazinga’?”
“He does now.”
“It’s an earth where everyone has to talk like that.”
“Cajun earth!”
“And three, we can apologize for my Cajun accent, we just can’t apologize enough.”
“Did you say A, 2, 3?”
“You’re the Danny Ketch Daredevil!”
“What?”
“He means Danny Rand…”
“So that’s like Siri? Cerebro? Siri-bro?”
“Siri-bro, find that girl!”
“Yeah, Jean has d6 in Smoothing [Professor X’s] Eyebrows.”
“He is able to point you to the remote swamps of New Jersey.”
“So all of it?”
“I would trust Daredevil to drive before I trust Deadpool to drive.”
“Who invited him?”
“I’m a sales-boosting crossover gimmick!”
“You know there’s something wrong with your team when Gambit is your moral center.”
“Look, dude, I’m trying to get my Captain Kirk on. Quit trying to cock-block me!”
“…Is there another team I can be on?”
“I’ll start one with you, at that table over there…”
“What are the real Champions doing?”
“The real Champions are being ashamed of themselves…”
“Deadpool replaced the Invisible Woman, because they felt the team needed more femininity.”
“You might as well sit down, Yammy.”
“No, no, I reserve my right to leave at any time…”
“It’s Jersey. They’re creating Hell on Earth in Jersey. It’s ironic.”
“Because in ze Munich Circus, I was actually a colossal ass.”
“Wanna take an emotional stress?”
“Sure.”
“Wanna hit me with lightning next turn?”
“…I can…?”
“No, no, I’m within YOUR notice. You’re just not within MY notice.”
“Can I use 2 plot points to put New Jersey in space?”
“No.”
“Can I use 2 plot points to put New Jersey into the sun?”
“Aand Nightcrawler… you have no idea what the hell’s going on, so you go next.”
“Okay, here’s what I want to do.”
“Oh, god.”
“Oh boy. This may take a while, guys.”
“I don’t want to know what Daredevil does with Cable and other people’s legs.”
“OH GREAT AND POWERFUL MAGNETO… can you pick those locks?”
“Congratulations, you just ripped Dr. Doom out of hell.”
“But I got two plot points!”
“Can I find out what demon it is? And maybe exorcize it?”
“Are you taking it for a walk?”
“She’s a comic book demoness, Matt. She’s…”
“She’s got boobs!”
“She’s got future lower back problems.”
“You are now being held by Wade Wilson. The stench will never come off.”