[Discussing guns in vaginas…]
“I wish I hadn’t thought of that.”
“What?”
“Gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘vaginal discharge’.”
“Yeah, but it’s a .22 and a derringer-style. It’s not a proper gun; it’s a banana.”
“And I’ve definitely seen those in there…”
“Cheryl wants to know if we can go back to cannibalism now, please.”
“All right, we’re going to redefine what porn is. None of those things are things I can masturbate to.”
“You can masturbate to a biscuit, but you can’t masturbate to that?”
“Oh god.”
“You say that like you’re scandalized.”
“You say that like you’re surprised.”
“Sometimes I forget.”
“We selected the quest; I’m pretty sure it pops up on the minimap and tells us where to go.”
“Oh, no. This is vanilla WoW, where you have to search for that shit for months.”
“I’m going to think, ‘Oh, that way!’ and the ship will go that way. And then I’m going to think, ‘Oh, what a pretty girl,’ and the ship is going to go KRSSHSHSHSHSHSHSHS.”
“Well, he’s a giant crow.”
“I thought he was Ross Perot.”
“We should establish now: are we going to put up parlay flags and immediately attack them?”
“Back when we invented lying?”
“Captain, I will lust-”
“Captain, I will lust after you?”
“I told her I would not offer her my poison weiner, then.”
“They’ll be fine, Captain, as long as they don’t have to put out very small fires.”
“Wait, wait, Pringles are flammable and there are lots of small fires over there.”
“Pringle disaster at sea!”
“Please treat my men well.”
“Yes, please treat Manuel well.”
“Matt, adding a 0 to the end is the same thing as multiplying by 10.”
“I can’t believe you just schooled him in math.”
“I cast Sacred Bond on him.”
“I am now her mount.”
“Uhhh… Captain, I didn’t realize that was one of the terms of service on this ship…”
“If you do more than three digits of damage, I’m going to be screwed. I’ll have to use PAPER or something.”
“He just came up the stairs, stared at Kevin, and shook his head.”
“That’s because all they can hear downstairs is ‘SAILS! SAILS!’ and Bill was like, ‘where’s the discount?'”
“Do you need assistance, Captain?”
“No, I want a rebate on my fucking hero point, because I rolled a two, spent the hero point, and rolled the exact same fucking two!”
“Can I be a were-shark?”
“Yes.”
“Can I be a dingleberry?”
“Yes.”
“Can I be a were-dingleberry?”
“Someone below the decks didn’t realize the crew was full of monsters?”
“I haven’t had one of those since high school.”
“What, a thousand tiny bites?”
“I do like the Imminent Mother-in-Law as a ship name…”
“I offer to repair their daughters.”
“That’s what I’ll call the ship! ‘Lesbian Repair’!”
“That sounds so clinical. How about ‘Lesbian Amendment’?”
“That sounds like a legal thing…”
“Did you make your craft check to make a baby? You don’t want to do that…”
“I’m making crew!”
“We played a game based in the 20s; you’re just now figuring out we’re bad people?”
“Doctor Strangecolon!”
“Did you just say ‘butt knuckle’?”
“That doesn’t even make sense.”
“What. The fuck. Are y’all talking about?”
“It’s an ensign?”
“Yes. Wil Wheaton is flying from the goddamn rigging.”
“Yes, we’re just going to name the ship Maurice.”
“What about Manuel?”
“In fact, if you look below there, you can see the remains of the crew that lit the signal fire too soon. They have been summarily electrocuted.”
“So they HAVE been cursed!”
“I said that seven times already!”
“Does no one listen to the words coming out of my mouth?”
“Captain, we stopped listening months ago.”
“I would like anyone to point out any time that the lord of the island made a decision on his own.”
“This is going to be awkward, because you’re going to go back to port and we’re going to follow you back and say goodbye the whole way…”
“I think sending the crazy guy to recruit crew for the fish-man is the better choice.”
“Get on the ship or I lick you!”
“We can be the medical ship! I provide it, and you clearly need it.”
“Oh, look! A map!”
“If you touch it, I will break at least two of your fingers, and at least one other… protrusion.”