“I already made one shitty-ass character; why would I want to create two shitty-ass characters? At least animals come pre-made!”
“No, it just means that you’re the class feature of the eidolon.”
“And of course we know I’m horrible at being a pacifist… I’m bad at not being a slaver… or at understanding weather forecasts.”
“Oh, I’m being tweeted. I’m not bad at porn.”
“There is no way I’m a guest of honor at your party. I might be a guest of ridicule…”
“Oooh! Papercraft Bryan!”
“We’ve been dropping dead since the middle of last book.”
“You mean I’ve been dropping dead. The rest of you…”
“They elected me captain, and I’m going to make them regret it.”
“We’ve already got a fleet! We’ve got four ships!”
“I go so fast, I go back in time.”
“We’re vague-abonds.”
“And you should have seen what he ate to get that mastercraft stick of poo.”
“I have this laxative +1 to give you, sir!”
“That’s a black spire; we’re looking for the Black Tower.”
“The healing arrow that does d8 points of healing and d6 points of damage!”
“If we shoot enough of them, we’ll be fine!”
“What if you dropped two halves of rope?”
“It would fall into the water.”
“Birds don’t fly with magic; they fly with physics.”
“You have found yourself in one of those black holes of non-logic.”
“See, mouth is closed; that doesn’t happen unless magic is involved.”
“It takes us as long to roleplay getting there as it took us to walk there.”
“‘What’s going on on shore?’ ‘Well, the captains seem to be dry-humping the tower…'”
“Yeah, right after you get your rope up there, I’ll try to fly and see what happens.”
“Well, if it doesn’t exist in Nature or in Dungeoneering, it might exist in Keyboarding.”
“So it has been conjured from the elemental plan of pumice.”
“And slime.”
“Slumice?”
“This is Abyssal.”
“It’s a small floor cleaner?”
“Look, I already let my sister die! I’m not going to let you die, brother!”
“He’s one phantasmal killer away from dying.”
“Uh… he’s one cursed berry away from dying.”
“I might posit a theory.”
“Do it over there.”
“You know what? Let me shield your eyes.”
“Uh, I’ve gotta go posit a theory, guys. I think it’s going to be a big one.”
“You find a depression. It seems oddly sunken.”
“Uh… I give it a Zoloft.”
“You only got that out first because I can’t talk and type!”
“So if I rolled a 1 and add a 17 to it, I’d live?”
“DID you roll a 1?”
“Maybe.”
“I am positing from the sky!”
“I posited myself!”
“It’s like a brown meteor…”
“Not just poop jokes… flying poop jokes.”
“I have a little oom-pah.”
“I have lots of oom, and a little pah.”
“Does anyone have heal anus?”
“I have heal and scalpels.”
“I have mend crevice.”
“I have make whole…”
“I’m a shark, not a horse!”
“No, you’re part dog, and dogs like salt.”
“Hello, heart of ancient, terrible goddess. I hope you don’t mind a little pee…”
“Yehiviny, try and pry open the door.”
“I might.”
“Don’t.”
“I’m getting mixed messages.”
“No, 12 is whoever I’m irritated with at the moment.”
“No, there’s too many of us for that.”
“You’re seriously going to Indiana Jones it?”
“Are you kidding? Look at the hat! Of course he’s going to do it!”
“We have Schroedinger’s settlers; they could still be alive!”
“Look in the eye while I touch this.”
“…Never say that again.”
“I had the argument, and then he spoke, and it just flew out of my head.”
“Well, guess what you’re going to have to give up, Yehiviny?”
“My penis?”
“The stone.”
“Chinese wang-trap?”
“Write a note in the book: ‘Captain’s log – Fuck.'”
“I’m just trying to think about the episodes of that. ‘How I used my dick as a shovel…'”
“Do you know how old that thing is? Older than me.”
“It voted for Eisenhower.”
“Uh, captain? Whenever he imitates you, he’s suggesting something stupid.”
“I have noticed that as well.”
“Mmm. Intestinal Ropers.”
“Don’t even start. Don’t do it. There will be pain and humiliations galore.”
“As he bust out his stable of banjo strumming.”
“What? You have class abilities? I didn’t think you wrote those down after first level!”
“Well, it is my first level ability.”
“Whoa. Captain Swift didn’t go last and did something useful…”
“Oddly, fire doesn’t seem to do much to these things – you’d figure flaming poo…”
“There was methane to my madness.”
“So, I might have 6 hit points.”
“I might have slightly more than that. Fifty more than that.”
“Kacey, thanks for almost picking my girlfriend up. You were almost there for us.”