“Well, party’s dead.”
“It took longer than we expected.”
“I’m trying!”
“We know.”
“Is that like a payment in advance?”
“It’s more a retainer for damages about to be incurred.”
“You’re going to regret that.”
“That seems unlikely.”
“I told you, I can read people! Like a book. I rolled a 0.”
“How much did he pay you?”
“Two gold.”
“Half a kid?”
“You’re going to pay him and then go beat people up?”
“It’s hard to find quality people to beat up in this town.”
“He’s in the… place I just forgot the name for.”
“I like ‘coffinarium.'”
“Let’s go with ‘coffin haus.'”
“What if we have an urgent need for a coffin?”
“Coffinarium or dinner?”
“Why not both?”
“Uh… I don’t think the coffinarium serves dinner.”
“I cast detect meat.”
“I have to fit you for them! We have to make sure they fit your persona! We have to make sure they look good when you punch people in the face.”
“It was a whole thing. We went through a whole conversation about not using sentient beings as boots.”
“How much does humiliation cost? I’m building a price list.”
“I wouldn’t know what to tell a commoner.”
“Oh, I’m not common; I’m actually quite unusual.”
“…And if I pay 4 gold to a witch, I can get a child. How much to spit on your shoe?”
“It’s just spit. It’s not like I walked up and punched them in the face.”
“Look, you’re not worth more than a chair, sir. Not until I can sit upon you.”
“You know, if we had two corpses, we could probably get into the coffin maker quickly.”
“We could probably follow the smell of the urine, but I’m honestly not that concerned.”
“I’m trying to get to know you without punching you again.”
“I appreciate that. I’m still sore from last time.”
“Do we have relationship issues over these potatoes?”
“I just think you’re missing out.”
“Turn into a purple were-potato and you’ll be fine. I’ll have no interest in you.”
“I have a coffin – I mean, a corpse. I need a coffin. I’m in the Gravedigger’s Guild.”
“You’re a cobbler, right? You can cobble that back together.”
“What? No! I’m so offended right now!”
“The body of Christ is not gluten-free.”
“Everyone loves the wizard! He’s so great, he’s so great…”
“It’s a tarp!”
“No, that’s stealth technology.”
“High-level stealth technology!”
“Let’s see… I’ve got detect magic web, light…”
“Detect magic web?”
“You should get a DM achievement for mind-controlling someone to Suggest someone else.”
“There are bigger numbers on these dice than 12s. I keep checking.”
“Seriously, in about five minutes, this combat is going to devolve into insults.”
“No, in about five minutes, this combat is going to devolve into Christmas in World War I.”
“Radiant damage is people!”
“We’ll go with shin, because I don’t think your foot has 12 hit points.”
“Sure it does. There go six toes…”
“So after this, do you curb stomp him?”
“You can curb stomp the ashes, I guess.”
“Look, there were two things. One, don’t get stabbed, and two, watch him. You didn’t get stabbed; you got 50% of that.”
“We’re locking you in a closet every night. Something is going to come out of you.”
“Yeah, unbridled creativity in footwear!”
“Dude, I have no idea how much a coffin costs. Is it in the Player’s Handbook?”