“What do you guys have for bonds?”
“Well, I have these fuzzy handcuffs.”
“I thought you said second attack reacharound.”
“Why is that your second attack?”
“That’s an entirely different version of lay on hands.”
“Are you kidding? We’ve never gone around. We always go straight in there.”
“I was going to say pants, because I know they’re not fairy.”
“Again, this is a pro-pants environment.”
“You heard him say it.”
“To be fair, I hear him say a lot of things.”
“I do have ‘do more harm than good’ – I mean, ‘do more good than harm.'”
“Why didn’t I take the enlarge spell? Then I could ride it.”
“Why didn’t you take the reduce spell? Then it could fit in your bag.”
“Yes. If I get bitten by a raven and turn into a were-raven, I will change my name to Caw Tharsis.”
“That mill was horribly misunderstood.”
“Oh, I think we understood that mill very well.”
“Look, that mill wasn’t designed to grind the bones of children…”
“Matt, you’re not allowed to have physical maps. You tear them in half.”
“That was one time!”
“I mean, that was so unlikely. Usually my finger is so flaccid.”
“No, it’s an orb of force, and you can’t see what I’m doing in there.”
“Y’all are making it sound dirtier and dirtier.”
“Oh, we’re not. It’s just that way.”
“Hey, do you want half of a meat pie?”
“NO!”
“Spoiler alert: the meat pie is made from children.”
“The crust, possibly made from children. The meat, definitely made from children. The spices, most likely will drive you crazy.”
“Also, it’s like eight days old at this point.”
“Around him, he has two children…”
“That’s eight gold!”
“I didn’t even say it!”
“I’m well learn’ed.”
“If you were, sir, you’d know it’s pronounced learned.”
“I’m not going to summon a spiritual creature and make it work for honey!”
“Is it Arcana only? I was busy daydreaming about fire spells, sorry.”
“But I get to roll!”
“No, no, I missed you entirely. I’m lying to you.”
“Are you not human? What are you?”
“Good lord.”
“She doesn’t talk!”
“You can’t tell she’s a dwarf because she doesn’t talk?”
“Wait, are toddlers worth less because they’re smaller, or more because they’re newer?”
“I would say less, because they’re not trained. If you buy a trained horse, that costs more than an untrained horse.”
“No, he puts out fires. As in, he puts them out over there… he puts them out over there…”
“He’s a tiefling stripper. He doesn’t do that.” *pause* “What?! He has 8 dexterity. What else is he good for?”
“Bryan? Bryan, welcome back.”
“Two hours in, and I’m already a stripper.”
“Really? Really? You’re in your hut, nobody can see what you’re doing, and ‘what’s all this sticky stuff?!'”
“Could we resurrect the pies?”
“Technically, yes.”
“So we could resurrect the pies, and like seventeen children pop out?”
“It’d be a monkey’s paw. The pie starts pulsing and crying. ‘I have raisins in me!'”
“I stop paying attention for two seconds, and suddenly we’re talking about pretzels with dexterity.”
“Mage armor!”
“Pretzels with Uncanny Dodge.”
“Is this how all of your spells are cast now? You’re going to let the cat run across the table, and whatever lands on the floor is what you cast?”
“Hold on, am I cheating? No. No I’m not.”
“We’re friends now?”
“Yeah. It’s because we offered him bone meal.”
“No, it’s because we didn’t let HIM meet him.”
“So there’s nothing in his paladin oath that says he can’t go with me to Vegas and have two hookers and an eight-ball.”
“Hey, you want me to come do a Medicine check on you?”
“No, I’m good.”
“I’ve got a -1 in Medicine!”
“But I don’t want to damage the two of you!”
“That’s an impressive step forward in your moral compass!”
“But I will anyway.”
“We did that! I got all the way up to advanced cabbage patch!”
“My sticky stuff has been all over everybody.”
“No, it hasn’t.”
“You know what we call that? A sticky explosion!”
“Let’s not. Let’s not call it that.”
“I wouldn’t touch that if I were you.”
“Can you cast Purell on your hand?”