“Oh! Is tonight neighborhood arson night?”
“What you fail to understand is that every night is neighborhood arson night; we just keep doing really bad at celebrating it.”
“Dude, I already just penciled you in for one of our running in-jokes for why someone is late to the session.”
“You know, there was a lot of tackling Steve during our relationship.”
“There’s a difference between aiding and kidnapping.”
“A very slight difference.”
“Animated dead people.”
“They weren’t so much animated as dancing to rock music. Well, it was more twitching, like something out of a Michael Jackson video, but…”
“Officer, when you finally understand what happened, let me know. Because I don’t understand it either.”
“Well, I don’t really want to run into any more Jesus LARPers…”
“You got any beer?”
“No, because this is a community center…?”
“Pro tip, bring some beer next time. You’ll get more people.”
“I channeled the power of rock.”
“Yeah, but it wasn’t supposed to have that consequence.”
“And kind of inadvertently, he blurts, ‘The vessels.'”
“I mean, I didn’t know Mr. Vessel personally…”
“Why would you burn Roger’s house down?”
“I didn’t want to, but we did it anyway, and it didn’t really seem to fix anything! It just grew back!”
“You mean you can be born here and still be an immigrant? I’m going to have to listen to ‘The Immigrant Song’ again.”
“Padre! I just got done with the weirdo cult meeting.”
“Yeah? How did you fit in?”
“Well, they made me an instructor…”
“And the fish were trying to stop the aliens invading…?”
“So we fought the fish?”
“So what you’re trying to say is that the zombies from the support group are an oppressed people.”
“Yes.”
“And the oppressors are inhabiting the fish and regurgitating people.”
“Apparently something we did broke the portal, so the hunters couldn’t come through the same way.”
“But how many dead bodies have disappeared from your trunk?”
“At least three.”
“That’s probably not a good sign.”
“The support group thing is teaching them how to human.”
“Then you should definitely keep going.”
“Somewhere out there is a zombie with half his head knocked off. Or a zombie with his whole head half knocked off.”
“So you’re driving around with five pounds of brains loose in the milk crate on the back of your moped, which is not a sentence I ever thought I would put together…”
“So five pounds of cow brain is five cow brains, unless you asked for brain salad, in which case you’re not sure how much of each you got.”
“Since you weren’t specific, you got a sack of brain nuggets.”
“That’s probably better. If you’re trying to lead them, nuggets are probably better.”
“Do you have dog biscuits?”
“No, I don’t normally have pets around.”
“You have Mark!”
“I continue the staring contest with the dog, and I’m attempting to communicate with it via math, because mathematics is a universal concept.”
“Well, the dog actually works at a base seven instead of a base 10, so the math is a little tricky, but…”
“He has faith.”
“Yeah, but I think it’s supposed to be faith in a higher power, not faith in the contents of a sausage.”
“Well, if Noah thinks this is related to that demon, he’s probably trying to make a crowbar more deadly.”
“So… just… sharpen it?”
“They might just be dogs.”
“There is no empirical evidence that they are just dogs.”
“So 17% of the alien dog zombies I brought back are communicating with us.”
“I brought home 6 dogs, and 1 of those dogs are communciating with us. That’s like 17%.”
“It’s like 21% in dog math.”
“Are you telling me I’m a dog?”
“To be honest, I can’t tell. You could be a dog on the inside.”
“So this has become the primary plot of the game now? The chicken waffle-changa.”
“We gotta go to the Walmart real quick, guys – to the bathroom!”
“How badly do you want to be in Walmart?”
“I am carrying a pair of crowbars. In public.”
“Okay…”
“A pair of crowbars engraved with ‘Anal Penetrator 2000’ on them.”
“And 50% of the time is 100% more than we’d get otherwise.”
“Unless it’s in dog math, then it’s like 3% more.”