“There was enough cheap beer that you don’t really remember last night, but you don’t remember having a bad time…”
“See, that’s the thing. My guidance counselor said I didn’t take responsibility for anything, but then I was responsible for everything that went wrong, so…”
“…Yeah, I’m sorry. I forget my character’s not my age.”
“I don’t think it’s fair that Cheryl gets to be the responsible person here, and we’re all fuck-ups.”
“You are breaking major household appliances; I’m so mad I’m not there.”
“Is it the Friday before Wednesday or after Wednesday?”
“I’m so glad that’s a thing now.”
“It’s never going away.”
“I toast some waffles, I get some syrup out of my pocket…”
“You can’t even tweet that. How can you tweet the battle with the syrup?”
“You’re not actually sure how he’s standing up, because you’re not entirely sure he’s conscious.”
“I’m between falling down…”
“How did my hands get sticky?”
“Well, you were having a play date with syrup on the counter – and I’m gonna need you to clean that up.”
“The bad car guy?!”
“Remember, I’m not from around here.”
“So you got my car mixed up with somebody else’s!”
“It was not a productive night’s sleep. To be fair, though, you’re 2/3 of the way into the back seat of a 1983 Mustang. There’s nothing about that that sounds pleasant. Or comfortable.”
“Never seen a guy blow out a back while running. Knees are God’s mistake. Never should have made them.”
“This? This is your fault.”
“I take pride in this! Usually when somebody says that, I’m embarrassed.”
“Can we have some trash bags? There’s a problem with some ordinance buried in your back yard.”
“I’m the one that time-traveled into the future!”
“Everybody does that!”
“I don’t know what symbol this spins, but it’s fucked up.”
“To be fair, you’re standing next to Tiger Balm cologne guy. It doesn’t smell that bad.”
“Why do we have a key?”
“There are some things you just don’t want to ask about.”
“Plus, somebody ransacked my house. That was probably me.”
“That looks bad, doesn’t it. Is this an episode of Murder, She Wrote?”
“Ow.”
“Is that the pain of guilt?”
“I’m looking for evidence that they’ve been here recently. Like sandwich fixings…”
“Yeah, you’d better write that down quick.”
“I’m kind of afraid that they’re going to change halfway through the game.”
“I mean, that’s not entirely impossible.”
“You didn’t kill them! Congratulations!”
“I told you I didn’t!”
“Well, to be honest, if you had, that’s exactly what you’d say.”