“You’re a funeral crasher?”
“Sort of. They probably needed a hug.”
“They didn’t have it at his church, because it was a nice affair.”
“You started this! Literally, this is your fault.”
“It’s only burned down three times! It’s gotten better.”
“I only had to throw out one weird thing, and look where we got…”
“How do we test for fish?”
“You give it to that woman, and if she dies…”
“Your ancestors were in Salem, weren’t they? If you throw her in the river and she dies, she wasn’t a witch.”
“Yeah, we were out of antacids, so I was pushing antihistamines. I was telling them they were the same thing.”
“Don’t push the antihistamines.”
“Okay, I’ll go back to pushing the Phillip’s Milk of Magnesium.”
“I’m answering the phone. I have one job: vaccuuming.”
“Hey Anders, the girls want you to exorcise a field of ghost fish, and they’re having corn for dinner.”
“Well, they expect people to work more than three hours a week.”
“And that kind of cramps my style.”
“It’s been six months; did you get a promotion?”
“Well… I don’t work the waffle maker anymore. And that’s all we’re going to say about that.”
“I’m sorry, I forgot where I was going with that.”
“Oh, I can’t necessarily say we’re going anywhere.”
“So you’re grooving on your stain…”
“I’ll be a minute! I think it was something I ate!”
“Well, that’s weird. I haven’t serviced a machine in weeks.”
“I don’t think I can make my eyes make noise when I roll them…”
“The barter system in Undisclosed is cookie-based.”
“Are you trying to look cool, or are you trying to drive smoothly?”
“I love how you’re mad when I wreck MY car.”
“I don’t know, as much free work as he’s done on it, it might as well be his car.”
“In spite of all expectations to the contrary, I do go back to the Waffle Hut.”
“And then I’m going to check the roof, in case anyone threw a swordfish up there.”
“You know how you test a roof for leaks, right? You use a hose.”
“Well, that’s probably better than what I was going to say – pee on it.”
“So the swamp needs Milk of Magnesia.”
“You could always give it antihistamines; I hear that’s the same thing.”
“Do you want to see the swamp now or after the corn?”
“Look, fish don’t have souls.”
“There’s sole of fish at the grocery store!”
“I will say a blessing as sarcastically as possible, punctuating each paragraph with a squirt of the super-soaker.”
“This is a very odd discussion we’ve gotten into.”
“Is anything normal about this group?”
“Well, what do you call that?”
“Mist.”
“It’s the souls of the fish escaping!”
“So you’re saying the swamp is unholy?”
“I should have known that – I dated your sister.”
“And I hired you anyway.”
“And I appreciate that.”
“It was meant to be a punishment.”
“It has been.”
“She was alive when I took her home…”
“Wow, Rick is a serial killer! Did anyone else get that?”
“I mean, you did steal a corpse.”
“That’s not the same thing as killing someone!”
“Thank you, Noah.”
“Big Lou isn’t so much a criminal as… someone that does stuff that’s unpopular… with some people?”
“Kevin and and I are on the same page: we’re gonna go burn down Roger’s house down again.”
“I’m kind of afraid to start the car and there be fish in the gas tank or something.”
“That was me, and as some of us are just finally getting the full depth of our eyebrows back, I stand by my statement.”
“So see, told you. Fish migrate.”
“Through solid concrete?!”
“We should dig up her body and see – “
“Noo.”
“If her grave is full of fish.”
“Fish are appearing in people’s stomachs, fish are coming up through his floor… someone’s stomach must be under his floor.”
“I should check on Melissa and see if she has a fish in her stomach?”
“We could cut her open!”
“No. Please don’t bring the welding torch…”
“So we need a dolphin. Or a bat. Or the ultrasound out of the back of an ambulance.”
“So I’m going to take out a small bottle of holy water and do the same thing I did at the swamp.”
“Only less sarcastically?”
“At least 50% less sarcastically. Because this is edging over into a scientific experiment.”
“What’ve you been eating?”
“Waffles…”
“That’s weird, because you’re throwing up fish.”