“I’m gonna call it three people agreed to the plan.”
“Noah didn’t agree. Noah just said he could fly the plane, not that he would.”
“Two am or two pm? I’ll be awake for either; I’m just curious.”
“Two pm. Like a human.”
“No one that you know to be dead comes to the pharmacy. I reiterate – no one you know to be dead.”
“How well did you know Roger’s mom?”
“I mean, we hung out in high school.”
“Have you ever known her to raise armies of the dead?”
“If you exclude Roger from the running, I’ve never known her to raise the dead.”
“Neither of the things that died were Roger.”
“Wait, so you think the teleporting toilet is suspicious?”
“Yes?”
“Kacey’s going to reboot.”
“That’s OK. We don’t need him.”
“That’s a lot more arson.”
“To date, arson has not yet solved the problem.”
“We don’t have enough info to know that! We need more empirical data!”
“Padre, do you have any ideas?”
“Yes, but I don’t have a shotgun.”
“I hand him a shotgun.”
“That’s how you take care of zombies, right?”
“Ferg wants to burn down Joann’s neighborhood. The padre wants to take a shotgun to Joann…”
“I mean, I would like to see them eat at least brain before we start shotgunning people.”
“I’m gonna bring in the same logic here that I used on Ferg, Padre. Has you being sober ever helped with the problem?”
“So we know that singing has worked, and we know that touching dead bodies has worked.”
“But sobering up hasn’t worked.”
“So you’re serenading your best friend’s mom, and you’re picking AC/DC?”
“I’m not trying to romance her! I’m trying to cure her of being undead!”
“We’re not beating anybody’s brains in. We’re just… making brains available to the group.”
“She had a last name! Joann ‘in a housecoat’!”
“Right, because she didn’t have a Roger.”
“Have you been dead?”
“Not last time I checked…? Are you okay…?”
“Maybe they weren’t here when Rick was a child and don’t understand what… all of that… is.”
“I 100% only know how to address the clergy from MASH reruns.”
“Yeah, but the best follow-up to a good waffle is a waffle.”
“So now I’ve joined a cult.”
“You haven’t officially joined! You haven’t even been to a meeting yet.”
“So I’ve got an idea. Why don’t we mic up Rick so we can hear what’s going on?”
“I don’t want to be a robot!”
“Noah wants everything he builds to have quadruple redundancies, because he knows I’m going to touch it.”
“That’s fair.”
“Okay, so you gather up the ingredients for your new chicken wafflerito and go to the parsonage, where there’s a plentiful supply of maple syrup.”
“Yeah, it makes sense. My house is suddenly the school for idiots.”
“We need a van and a talking dog.”
“Roger was a talking dog…”
“That’s practically our motto.”
“‘Touching things makes it worse’?”
“‘Helping makes it worse.'”
“Do you have Steve’s cell phone number?”
“Yes. He’s listed as ‘asshole.'”
“It’s not that I’m trying to be stealthy. It’s just that I don’t want the cops to come by and notice the pickup, because somebody was driving it the last time she got thrown out of the funeral home.”
“I was driving the station wagon the last time!”
“The time before that.”
“I’m sorry if this was someone you knew, but the patient didn’t make it.”
“Well, that’s terrible. How long have you been dead?”
“Wait, whose mom got killed?”
“Can I taser him?”
“I mean, you can…”
“Does anybody have a taser I can borrow?”
“And Rick, where are you?”
“Sitting in my car, waiting on the signal to solve this with the power of rock.”
“The thing about push to talk is that y’all just missed Kevin’s ‘GOD DAMN IT.'”
“Ferg! Fake Steve, real seizure!”
“Real Steve, fake seizure! He does this all the time!”
“I didn’t need to know that!”
“The foam that’s coming out of his mouth is kind of electric Gatorade blue.”
“That’s okay! I’m down around his waist!”
“That’s not okay!”
“You go to check one of the bodies – god, there’s a lot of bodies in this game.”
“What did you do to Steve?”
“AC/DC?”
“Okay, I will do what I do best: walk in and play dumb.”
“Nope. Not gonna happen. We need real paramedics to show up.”
“We are real paramedics, ma’am…”
“Look, I draw the line at licking the bodily fluids of someone that is questionably your ex-boyfriend.”
“I give him a look that would kill, and might if he decides to run.”
“Are you putting dogs in people’s bodies and sending them out to wander around?”
“The looks you get at that question… they couldn’t even pretend to be as shocked as they actually are.”
“He’s clearly a monster. Anybody that keeps their phone and their change in the same pocket…”