“I don’t always think about whether I’m funny. I just open my mouth and speak.”
“Did you enjoy your taco? Enjoy our spicy napkins!”
“Instead, Big Ben was the universe’s biggest red herring.”
“If you’re in a situation where you’re afraid of your phone getting herpes…”
“I’m disappointed. There’s not nearly enough horse fisting in this pirate game.”
“We stopped horse fisting when Reinheidt became important to you.”
“Michael, I’m not going to let you lie that blatantly.”
“Things less savory than chum.”
“That’s what I was thinking. I mean, unless we’re talking poop…”
“That’s what we were doing wrong with the fangberries. We were drinking it and the flavor was better; we should have been pouring it on the wound…”
“They don’t just hand out tridents. It has to be a magic weapon.”
“We could give to fish-man, but he has somehow disappeared again.”
“He has defected.”
“He is defective.”
“It seems like a red herring, to just walk away.”
“No, they were crabs. And blue, not red.”
“We need a fith man.”
“No, we only have a fourth man. Not a fifth man.”
“Although, I am questioning whether we do in fact have a fourth man.”
“Oh, honey, I’m all man.”
“No, I’m only 5’6″. I’m not unequivocably tall. I am in fact equivocably tall.”
“I can make the water all greasy.”
“I’m standing next to him; the water’s already all greasy.”
“Oh, that’s my muscle linament.”
“I’m surprised you didn’t say ‘thalve.'”
“What?”
“‘Thalve.'”
“Oh! Thalve. I couldn’t understand you; you talk funny.”
“Can I have a new crew?”
“I sometimes use a lot of Ben Gay.”
“You use a lot of Ben Gay. You’ve Ben Gay since I met you.”
“This is better than running the damn game.”
“It’s not hashtag horse fisting?”
“No. It is NOT hashtag horse fisting.”
“No one can be more of a wuss than the captain.”
“You’re the sickly dwarf, aren’t you.”
“I’m not sure if that’s laughing or crying, Jon?”
“A little of both.”
“You’re the captain. You can’t mutiny.”
“MAN, if we only had someone that could move UNDERWATER.”
“Tweet that, let Yammy know what he’s doing to us.”
“Oooh, it’s got a trident. It must be magical!”
“We’ve switched roles with the gamemaster!”
“You do not want amateur trident-butting.”
“Mary can give herself diseases every day.”
“Mary can give everyone in port diseases every day already.”
“Why are we letting Mary T talk?”
“Because no one can stop him.”
“Really, are you okay, fish?”
“The enemy of my enemy is… uh… probably someone else I’m going to have to fight in this cave.”
“Typically by this point in the night, I’m begging for release too.”
“No, no, a prithe. A cotht. A thervice fee. For exchange of thervices.”
“I really wish you hadn’t eaten that.”
“If you wish for me to regurgitate your child, I can do that, but I think that’s only a bird thing…”
“Army of fish men lost, your fault. Army of Mwongi lost, your fault. Can you do anything right?”
“You mean we didn’t cock that up? I grabbed my penis.”
“I offered her my spunk. I think that’s kind of cocking it up right there.”
“Somehow, having fruit and jello doesn’t feel right right now.”
“Dr. Farouk style.”
“By the end of the night, we need to work in a custard machine joke.”
“Oh, we already HAD the custard machine…”
“Yeah, fuck us, we’re the ones YOU hurt.”
“Every one of you is a reasonable person. Except maybe Michael.”
“Corwin, you got a mouthful of negative energy.”
“Better than a mouthful of the other things we were discussing.”
“I nominate Corwin, because he hasn’t been a total fuckup.”
“This room… wow, is that what they’re really called?”
“You want some thalt?”
“Not from you.”
“Not that kind of submarine.”
“Ping!”
“There’s guilt written all over your face.”
“He said it!”
“And yet…”
“I was going to hit it with Litany of Thloth.”
“Litany of Thloth?”
“Litany of Thloth.”
“You know, this would go so much better if I rolled my Appraise with a d20 instead of a d10.”
“Wait, did you say sleeping chamber or sweeping chamber?”
“It’s the matron’s broom closet.”
“I don’t know what your problem is. You put wiggling weenies in your mouth all the time.”
“I’m not gay; I’m just English.”
“Oh, that’s going to do us a lot of good down here.”
“It will when we boil all the water off and have air…”
“…use it to sterilize… down there…”
“Why would you want to stop the leaky goodness?”
“Why do I want to kill all of you all the time?”
“I want to go to the dick pool.”
“That’s the pool closest to your dick…”
“Why are we letting Mary T be the leader? Captain! Make a decision!”
“I think his decision has been to stand at the back and see what happens.”
“Yeah, because I wear the pants.”
“I thought you didn’t wear pants.”
“No, that’s underwear.”
“At that point, I’d start to think you were cheating.”
“Not very well.”
“Yeah, why would I be cheating down to the teens?”
“I was really looking forward to looting the rime from the Ancient Mariner.”
“He could join our team if he was the Sub-Par Mariner.”
“So if he was Aquaman.”
“Because what he’s about to do to Yeveny is going to be well worth the price of admission and… well… staying here the next few minutes.”
“Ba-dooom, does a 15 hit?”
“…Nope.”
“Then I give him permission to take his turn.”
“Well, he appreciates that…”