“We can play Unbeatable Banzuki in Wraith.”
“‘You’re dead, now you get to play Unbeatable Banzuki!’ ‘This really IS hell!'”
“Because I took all of my spells except Cure Moderate Wounds and Cure Light Wounds based on how cool they are.”
“Have I failed at anything?”
“Yes. Several times.”
“And it’s going to go something like, ‘oh god, a bullet just hit me in the foot-UGH. An axe just hit me in the back.'”
“Ah! That’s what I’m going to name the ship: The Wormwood Mutiny. Because I have balls of steel.”
“We were attacked by ‘The Burning Sensation’.”
“Captain, I have a Burning Sensation on the horizon…”
“The problem is, the longer you give us to be quiet, the more we entertain ourselves.”
“I’m entertaining myself right now…”
“I need a new chair.”
“The old man, who is suddenly old… He just rowed himself across the bay.”
“We hear his joint creaking more than the rowing of the ship.”
“Watch out, or we’ll make him older. We can do that, apparently.”
“Wait, I have a question: if we have the power to make NPCs suddenly like 90, why don’t we do it to the ones that are attacking us?”
“Somebody else can help him up. I don’t touch old people.”
“You’re a DWARF! You’re like twice his age!”
“When did I become a prostitute? Just now. Damn you!”
“I’m confused by the phrase ‘too much gold’.”
“Yes, I was wondering that myself…”
“Can’t we just get our captain on DVD? Someone press play so we can fight!”
“It’s spelled ‘Charlie Swift’, but it’s spelled ‘Yeveny Alexandro’.”
“You can tell I’m a pirate. I knew those were masts immediately.”
“I’m more than happy to do it, but I’m… actually looking forward to seeing the captain do… anything…”
“You should go forth, captain.”
“No, this is one situation when you want to go firtht…”
“I’ll do it, but this is going to come back to bite you.”
“Just like every other decision I’ve made as captain.”
“…How hard it can be…”
“I can show you how hard it can be.”
“I can show you how soft it can be.”
“I don’t want to know either of those things.”
“Wow. I’ve never heard you make that noise before.”
“Neither have I!”
“Oh, and that was how fast I can spend 2 Hero Points.”
“So even a sailor who doesn’t have a full deck can play.”
“That’s good, because I don’t think any of us are playing with a full deck.”
“We’re not going to be allowed to be pirates because you’re bad at poker? Really?”
“Just so you guys know, if I lose, there will be extra lashings.”
“Yes, I’d hate to beat you so hard.”
“Unlike college, Michael, the point of this game is not to get drunk.”
“Somehow on this hand, I drew no cards.”
“You got all the blank cards.”
“I got a joker, a joker, the instructions…”
“You, turns out, are Mr. Folds-a-Lot.”
“That’s Captain Folds-a-Lot to you, sir.”
“If this game were called ‘Folding,’ you would be a champion.”
“It made perfect sense at the time, until we discovered that the captains have to be able to do things.”
“He was playing Texas Fold ‘Em.”
“It’s a traditional game of my people!”
“We’d be much better at cheating, Darryl, if we didn’t admit.”
“I’m still going to suggest that missing wasn’t a good plan here.”
“I could grease him up.”
“That would be great if we were Greco-Roman wrestling…”
“We should be.”
“That’s true. I only lost 75 gold, not 100 gold.”
“And you’re winning!”
“You overkilled by… a lot.”
“You did 168 damage. He is at negative 152. He had 16 hit points.”
“Congratulations, I think you just painted the dock with giant.”
“It was worth it, though!”
“All I’m saying is I just got a plus 162 on my intimidate check.”
“We can hug it out.”
“Not you. I’ve heard about you. You and your little companion stay over there.”
“There are entire charity organizations that exist to cure whatever it is that Mary T gave this poor sailor.”
“Does he have any dukes?”
“We could be the Dukes of Hazzard!”
“Shut. Up.”
“Which is completely made of bone.”
“The tankard?”
“No, his hand.”
“It wouldn’t hold very much rum if it was made of bone…”
“It’s the moment Saucy was built for!”
“Just do the same thing Mary did!”
“Bonobo them into submission?”
“You’re going to add it to all the other secretions in your clothing?”
“Oh, look, I don’t have to hit her over the back of the head to put her sleep!”
“Yeah, but I’m going to do it anyway!”
“No, too many people are wearing eyepatches for you to be a hipster.”
“But I’m wearing it ironically, because I have two eyes.”