“Because this is more sandbox-y and less train-wreck-y.”
“We didn’t run from it. We just said, ‘Hey, nice ship. It’d be a shame if you had to shoot us with it.'”
“No, no, no, stop. Kacey just defended me!”
“No, I just said I hate Jon.”
“That’s defending me!”
“And see, that’s why I’m surprised you’re here. Because breathing water is going to be really fucking useful tonight.”
“So let’s rub the femur with the ring or whatever we have to do.”
“Okay, so Sarah’s character is going to rub out the bone.”
“As long as she’s not chanting ‘red rocket’ when she does so.”
“‘Both ships are screwed,’ is that what you said?”
“Unfortunately, that is ten times taller than me.”
“So the ocean is a lesbian?”
“You’ve never heard of the legendary flat ships?”
“The legendary flat ships, huh?”
“Yeah, they’re very hard to see on the horizon.”
“‘Quick, everyone lay down flat on the deck!'”
“It’s ‘Captain Breathes Underwater’ to you!”
“How will I see underwater?”
“You have eyes, you dipthit!”
“I think I just got scared straight.”
“Highly unlikely. Scared disinterested, maybe.”
“I’m going to claim ignorance, and everyone here will believe me because they know me.”
“Why did she sink?”
“Because she had too much water in her.”
“She’s broken in half.”
“That’s why she sank!”
“Jon, do me a favor. Put his head-penis in his ear.”
“I’d rather not be involved in any of that.”
“Why are you an old Jewish man now?”
“Because it’s comfortable.”
“Because old Jewish men tend to not have head-penises in their ears.”
“The GM is irritated. The ship sinks.”
“But not my ship!”
“No, your ship blows up and poisons the world.”
“I’m not holding on to your head penis for you to drag me along.”
“I have an arm… thing…”
“I am so disgusted right now…”
“Sweet jesus, you’re both going to die.”
“The good news is, I’ll be able to see them dying from here.”
“You reflect poorly on me, sir.”
“Wait a minute, if we’re going to start judging our friends by what they find funny…”
“I’m gonna need a new group.”
“FINALLY. There’s a kraken pantomiming being a small child behind you.”
“YOU found a secret door. SHE found treasure, because that’s what a quartermaster does.”
“This deck used to be very important to the campaign. Now it’s not.”
“From now on, she has to do everything in the dinghy. Every time there’s a call to battle stations, she’ll be like, ‘Okay, lower me, boys!'”
“The bad thing is, every time you stand at it, you hear that song from Ghost.”
“Unchained Melody?”
“Well, there’s a problem with that. The Bethmaran funeral rightths have a lot of ethes.”
“And Besmara regularly paddles your ass for not being able to pronounce things.”
“Yes, that’s right, when I get to the surface, I’m going to pull an ornate wand out of my sack. Prepare the flags accordingly.”
“Ah, HAMMOCKS.”
“My nemesis!”
“Hurricanine! Shih-tzunami!”
“When did you become a clownfish?”
“When I started doing schtick.”
“Cannons to the right of you.”
“Cannons to the left.”
“Stuck in the middle with an anemone?”
“Clown-shark? What’s a clown-shark?”
“It’s like a clown-fish, only larger…”
“It’s orange and has a lucky fin?”
“Is it really a sharknado if it’s only one shark?”
“Well, one’s just going to eat me. Sharks aren’t known for raping.”
“Just for you, the shark has 100% more tentacles.”
“That’s a misquote, but this is funnier.”
“What?”
“I said ‘100% fewer tentacles.’ But that is funnier.”
“I think we’ve established that you’re aiming for 100% fewer less tentacles… Fewer less tentacles? What the fuck, brain?”
“So I think we have a consensus of two, and in this group, that’s the best you’re going to get.”
“And apparently I can’t quote Yamarino the rest of the night.”
“Good. Now my girlfriend can’t be ashamed.”
“Bryan. Stiltz, what did I tell you about that?”
“I don’t know; I wasn’t listening.”
“It’s the David Hasslehoff of dwarves.”
“I brought some stuff to be identified that’s mine.”
“Wow, Bryan, you just derailed him with a well-placed grammar correction.”
“Are you asking if one of us can cast a useful spell? Because the answer is no.”
“So we’re going to take him up to the surface, say some words, and throw him back into the ocean.”
“Hush, okay? Her rites were in a loose-leaf binder and it was open during a storm…”
“Somebody pour this into the dwarf’s drink and then push him into the ocean.”
“Better yet, push him into the ocean and then throw the potion down after him.”
“We still have Sarah.”
“Sarah is not a potion of waterbreathing.”
“I don’t have Prayer anymore… I don’t have Haste anymore…”
“We have each other.”
“I didn’t say it.”
“No, but you were choking on it.”
“All your years on the earth, and that’s the best you could come up with? The shark’s magic is Gryffindor?”
“The shark’s school of magic is Gryffindor.”
“Wouldn’t it be Hogwarts? You fail…”
“You fail. The correct answer was Hufflepuff.”
“The first person ever to hope an aboleth has a dick…”
“I think this is a bad idea, but…”
“Bad Idea Theater is our best show.”
“Ooo, fiendish dire parrot!”
“I hate you all.”
“Based entirely on this haul, I believe we need to continue our pirating at the bottom of the ocean…”
“Do we gain a level?”
“Only the people who didn’t turn gelatinous.”