“I prefer gif animations of cats, because I don’t have the attention span for a video.”
“Uh, if I’m not worried about killing MY character, what makes you think I worry about killing yours?”
“We’re learning life lessons from Deadpool?”
“We may need to rethink our lives.”
“And that’s an important lesson we’ve learned.”
“Dammit.”
“Nothing goes into the Room of Terrible Things without being in a box. That’s the rule.”
“His character lost so much CON, HE got sick.”
“I had forgotten who – er, I had forgotten what was in the sack.”
“This plan has zero chances to pay off in a good way, but there are lots of chances for it to pay off in exciting ways.”
“That’s how we kill alchemists, right? ‘Hey, can you look at this?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Hey, why are you dead?”
“That’s what we should do! We’ll throw an apothecary party on the ship!”
“I can’t wait to hear that general report to the Hurricane King. ‘There’s these pirates; they’re running around town killing apothecaries. We’re not sure why…”
“This is one of those rare societies where they didn’t figure out how to write, but they call each other up on the phone to chat…”
“That’s what she said.”
“I don’t remember her saying that.”
“Well, she did, so don’t worry about it.”
“See what you did? Now you’re like him!”
“That’s mine and Jen’s song. Because she hates it.”
“Are you ninja-ing Yamarino?”
“Yup.”
“Well, I’m curious what an apastacary is now.”
“Does that mean there’s healing pasta now?”
“Sure! Here, have a Moderate!”
“This man is dying; get him some lasagna!”
“You probably have enough gold to buy a new sack of marbles.”
“But it wouldn’t be the same.”
“Has Mary T ever slept with you?”
“No.”
“Well, maybe you’re the apothecary.”
“Yes, but the goods you peddle, Ms. Mary, are your titties, and those are never out of stock.”
“Zip ties? Have you even SEEN boobs?”
“What kind of pirate would I be if I wasn’t on the deck in gold stilettos?”
“While you’re at it, just rip the building up and shake it around!”
“I can do all that, but that door…”
“It’s a euphemism for his nuts.”
“Yeah, they suck the life out of anyone they touch.”
“Move me in appropriately.”
“Move you inappropriately?”
“Oh, it’s dark enough that hopefully nobody will notice I vomited.”
“Let’s look through the rusty armoire.”
“You mean dusty?”
“That’s not what I called it.”
“I think you’ve made poor life choices, Matt.”
“I take 2 points of non-lethal damage.”
“I like going last; it puts a kind of emphasis on my actions. It’s like going first for the next round.”
“To be fair, the trap will probably only hit someone once. I, however, will hit someone three times.”
“Is it a jar of pickles?”
“No, it’s a jar of, ‘I think I’m a mage.'”
“Masterwork mattress.”
“Plus 2.”
“You just throw it under your enemies and they fall asleep.”
“I will waste a 20! I’ll waste it right now!”
“I thought I had a dice problem. Then I met Sarah.”
“Can you handle that guy by yourself?”
“Well, Mary T is there.”
“If you swallow it, it’s 8000 gold worth of poop…”
“Everything about me is saucy. Except my fingernails. They are not.”
“Two masterwork butterfly swords…”
“You can use them to cut masterwork butterflies!”
“I need you to put your head in my hand so I can squish it.”
“+1 Venetian blinds? Oh no!”
“Look, we’re allowed to pirate out on the high seas, but I don’t think we’re allowed to pirate the house.”
“She promises us her support and vote in the pirate council, should we need it.”
“That’s important. We’ll probably need it in book 6.”
“And we’re stupid.”