“So what’s the plan, captain?”
“I don’t even remember what ocean we’re in.”
“When I sing songs, I won’t sing songs about this.”
“You’re demoted.”
“From dead to what?”
“Yeah, I’ve been demoted from dead to healer.”
“Your loss.”
“I didn’t know I was going to have to pay in guilt, Bryan.”
“Did you bring back Half-Nut or whatever?”
“Half of us survived. That’s LIKE winning.”
“He only encourages people to do bad things.”
“That’s part of his charm.”
“That’s why he’s so good at being rum.”
“Ha! The ground still got you.”
“It was just delayed.”
“They’re traitors to us anyway. If they liked us, they wouldn’t have died.”
“I’m pretty sure you could just click random on the character generator and be stupidly powerful at 8th level.”
“I think I’ve proved you wrong.”
“He’s not terrible… he’s just challenged.”
“Now why were you headbutting your iPad?”
“It was my girlfriend’s fault.”
“She is a mischievous, mischievous woman.”
“This dungeon sponsored by Ozarka.”
“Look, half my crew got killed by the floor; I don’t have a lot of confidence right now.”
“That will be the name of your new ship – Partially Digested Dwarf.”
“Or my new band.”
“He went out the way he wanted: with a fancy, fancy dress.”
“You see, I can only grant you three wishes.”
“Is that per person or per party?”
“She’s so unhappy. Kevin, talk like her again. See?”
“Ughhh… why did I come?”
“Stockholm syndrome?”
“I believe watery tarts handing out ships is the proper foundation for a system of government.”
“But this is piracy!”
“Destroy the universe.”
“Or erase it with a wet-wipe, anyway.”
“Your girlfriend is a djinn.”
“I never thought of it that way. She’d better start granting me wishes…”
“Were you left behind? And not in the school way? In the Kirk Cameron way?”
“I hope those are battle axes of friendship.”
“I move up beside the other people and try the harpoon of questioning and diplomacy.”
“The harpoon of vengeful diplomacy hits armor class 17.”
“‘A more evolved form of failure’ is like our motto or something.”
“Next time I should throw my axes while Mary’s talking, because I know how it’s going to go anyway, and that way I’ll get sneak attack.”
“They only have one eye; they’re twice as easy to blind.”
“You know, if I named all my axes, we’d be here all day.”
“Not. Touching. It. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“It’s been in the cauldron!”
“That door didn’t kill us! It killed hundreds of innocents in that village, but it didn’t kill us.”
“There’s jam AND lintels on this door? Man, this place is full of food!”
“…Why?”
“Because it’s been a month and I stored it all up…”
“Are you saying you had the pun version of blue balls?”
“I believe we can trust you to put hundreds of coins in your pouch and produce dozens of coins when asked.”
“I shove these tree-balls in my mouth, so deep!”
“Yeah, you just refuse to stay dead.”
“That’s what a real pirate would do. You can have my life when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers.”
“When he gets halfway up, I cut the rope to see about this half a rope concept.”
“Find the water lady again. I need a mint julep and a colonel’s moustache!”
“I have a big club too, but that’s just because a lot of people like me.”