“Well, technically Christmas is Jesus’s birthday, so the heresy must have reset.”
“Turns out, it sucks when we’re both right.”
“He went down on the ship, and not the way he liked.”
“That’s it! The captain of the marines keeps dying! So… who’s the captain of the marines?”
“Not it!”
“And flaming darkness is usually after me…”
“So you’re ok with cold darkness?”
“You’re not the best rear guard if you let the guy we’re escorting get eaten!”
“Booyah! Five.”
“I did not realize that my character made an adequate holding place for hero points…”
“So Mary got a… five?”
“Yeah, but it’s a solid five, not a weak five.”
“Diuretic monkey shit, or…”
“That is not a great thing to sit down to.”
“It’s like a… I have no idea. It’s like a thing… that’s bad…”
“I’d like to pretend that this is a normal night, but… he’s kind of mellow tonight.”
“Yeah, we have guests.”
“It just ate Master Bates.”
“Master… bates…?”
“Master Banes, Bryan?”
“Oh… she’s like a queen dick spider.”
“Phase driders? Is that even fair?”
“I told you: I don’t like this monster. It’s not because it’s a spider; it’s because I think they’ve been cheating since the beginning.”
“We were a lot more on-topic than we’ve been in a long time.”
“We could see the topic from here.”
“I want to know what the deal was with the surprise butt-sex with you two this week.”
“That was last week. And the week before.”
“Sometimes we argue about what goes on Twitter.”
“Sometimes I save them from themselves.”
“Come on, Bryan. It wouldn’t be the first time Master Bates breaks your screen.”
“Yammy wins.”
“Are you a swordmage?”
“Magus.”
“I don’t know what that is.”
“Swordmage.”
“If he was imaginary, he wouldn’t be taking damage!”
“Not true. If we’ve learned anything from illusions…”
“Can we play phase spiders? Is that a playable race?”
“So your girlfriend is a weird-looking dwarf?”
“Well, if you’ve met her…”
“Hi, back of iPad.”
“That’s Ansel. He’s not the back of an iPad, he’s a CHILD.”
“You guys did 174 points of damage.”
“How many did it have?”
“50.”
“Maybe you had bad fingers.”
“Bad touch! Bad touch!”
“It didn’t like the way you fondled it, Bryan.”
“So you don’t know whose penis was the stylus on that one.”
“I’m gonna use my scroll of Resurrection on the NPC.”
“Didn’t we lose a PC last week?”
“Darryl’s always going to come back! He’ll be back next week, just with a new name and new face! He’s like the Doctor!”
“I need some healing.”
“What kind of healing?”
“Sexual healing!”
“…Not from Mary.”
“No, I think you should carry the dead guy like a backpack until you need [the healing potion we almost poured down his throat].”
“Master What’s-His-Name, Fish-Dick… whatever.”
“Aww, that’s so anti-climatic; I wanted to see the fish running around on fire.”
“I don’t do that any more.”
“It could just be a journal.”
“He also had a spell component pouch.”
“He was also crazy.”
“I feel like that’s double XP for us: we defeated him in his room, AND we got him killed.”
“If you don’t have a belfry, you can’t have bats!”
“But you can keep your batshit anywhere.”
“It shrieks a word at you.”
“Is that word ‘candy’? Or ‘pizza’?”
“Who is Banes to you?”
“He was my last servant.”
“…Oops.”
“It’s a shard that hovers in an extradimensional space…”
“Like the one the priest destroyed?”
“To be fair, it was trying to destroy my soul.”
“Hey, your soul was asking for it.”
“My axes are all named Eye-Slicer. If I named all of them, I’d never remember them. This way, I remember them all.”
“Is he in this building?”
“Yes.”
“Is it a fish with a head-penis? Because you can have him.”
“So this is where we part ways. Good luck with your genocide.”
“Would it be a problem if the stone was in smaller than average pieces?”
“We need to put a sign on the door. ‘Don’t go downstairs, hashtag for realsies.'”
“A quick scan of the tablets…”
“Are they Android or iOS?”
“So should we shatter the tablet on our way out? I mean, we can trip and fall…”
“Shark nog? Is that like a special holiday thing?”
“No one is going to want you guys near any of their stuff.”
“So are we going to kill this guy – yea or nay?”
“Just grab his stuff.”
“We’re looting the corpse of the guy whose ghost is talking to us?”
“I’m apparently really good at telling people to pick stuff up right before something kills them.”
“You… don’t fit… Now you’re slapping her ass.”
“At least it’s with the flat side.”
“I’ll wait until you’re done before I start spellscrafting.”
“Spellscrafting?”
“You’ve got my attention for five minutes, and you squander it listening to these guys.”
“Throw the stick, Captain! Throw the stick!”
“Yeah, that’s your returning device right there.”
“The problem is, he gets distracted by what it gets stuck in. That’s how I get him to attack.”
“If the sharkdog ate the book, I have scalpels; we’ll resolve this issue.”
“…Are they fighting over the headband?”
“Yes.”
“This is a… you guys don’t listen at all, do you?”
“I like how we’re just throwing out massive generalizations about how magic works.”
“I like how there are three spellcasters in the group, and they just go, ‘hm,’ and walk away.”
“Of course, if the party keeps going around – ”
“Chopping up the silver and selling it?”
“They’ll be just as screwed as they were before.”
“We had one fortress before, and we didn’t appreciate that one, so what makes you think we’ll appreciate this one?”
“Do they make quarter-sized adventure paths?”
“That’s a book and a half.”
“OK, do they make one-shot books?”
“You should totally give me one that has someone in it! That would be awesome! Then I can walk around with it in my hand and go, ‘Hey, did you guys know that these things talk?'”
“So he gave the order for them to be friendly, and then we killed him…?”
“Can you rape a ghost?”
“Did you see how hard he hit it?”
“Who cares? I won’t kill your stuff for fun. I’ll kill your characters for fun, but not your stuff.”
“Can we… end… on the fleshy fun bridge?”
“It’s 11 o’clock. The idea of starting another dungeon zone this evening…”
“‘Chunks of dead prostitute’ is always a win.”