EmeraldSilver Blogs

“I mean, Will is my weast – “
“Weast?”
“I was trying for worst and least…”

“I could just make water.”
“So could they. That’s part of the problem.”

“This is how you find traps, kids.”
“Send in the rogue?!”

“Oh wait, a full page later, there are the creatures.”
“Ahh, Paizo, how I missed you.”

“Dammit, Tolkien, I don’t need the backstory of these monsters!”

“He was gonna offer you snowcones, but sharp metal bits it is.”

“For once, you went in the opposite direction – you overkilled it by one.”

“Critical fail – you take double the damage.”
“Four.”
“Did you roll 2 on 2d12?”
“I rolled 2 on 2 d12.”

“Crit ping-pong.”

“There is a 40 foot ridge ahead of you.”
“So the opposite of a ravine, then.”

“I have an 18 for my Reflex.”
“I have a 28.”
“28 succeeds.”
“I have ‘standing in a hallway that’s not full of flame.'”

“They are very hard.”
“I headbutt them into oblivion.”

“You fucking Leonidas your way through that spike trap.”

“Did you just break your lead?”
“No! No, why would you ever think that, Kacey? It’s not a tell-tale sound at all.”

“There’s always someone in my way, and it’s always Roland!”

“Turns out, owlbear does not like bidets.”

“And by ‘picture of a shield,’ I mean you could believe it.”

“Cleric on cleric rap battle?”

“I’m pretty sure that hellhound has never been hugged.”

“Damn it! All I need is two points to make a line! Two points!”

“I mean, healing font is good, but I still prefer Times New Roman.”

“They have 8 hit points.”
“Oh, don’t doubt how little damage I can do.”

“So the half-plate is top, not left?”

“You know what we should have done? Used the scroll of fire resistance.”
“Nahhh.”

“It’s been a couple of weeks. I should get to roll again.”

“We are going to do this the cinematic way and not the smart way. I’m gonna stab the fucker and then get up.”

“You turned a statement into math, and it’s not the same.”

“You’re the affordable help.”

“Two out of three stars, would not recommend.”
“Two stars?!”
“I was cold.”
“You were making the cold!”

“Are they always like this?”
“Yes.”
“Am I the they?”
“I think we’re in it together.”

“It’s the fucking shibari delivery service.”

“Tiny herbs need tiny swords.”

“Does the sparrow fly up to you and say, ‘Does the one minute begin when the sparrow shows up, or does it start after that? We should find out. But first, we’ve got to get this message out…'”

“Some of us are more modest than others.”
“Some of us walk faster than others.”
“…Some of us are not the third stooge. Unfortunately…”

“I just want to know that we have a tool.”
“I’m a tool.”
“No comment.”

“You didn’t care about the herbs, you didn’t care about the fish… but when we’re talking about mushrooms in the woods, you suddenly care?”

“Dying stacks.”

“Is that a 1?”
“I need you to understand, Darryl, that I rolled a 2, and I spent a hero point thinking I was going to make it better.”

“Stabbing people is a people skill! It’s got ‘people’ right in the name.”

“Well, being stabbed still has people in it, so that’s still a people skill, right?”

“I’m sorry, I’m still on the idea of the stork delivering dwarven babies to some sort of glorified compressed-air mail tube system…”

“Flaming hands?”
“Yes. Flaming wrists was not the right term.”

“Just tell me it’s a crit. This math thing? Nah. Is crit.”

“Yeah, you remember how I said Vee was going to stab the shit out of that?”
“You remember how I said there wouldn’t be a wolf there in a minute?”

“See, this thing is hard to hit!”
“I have a hero point… that didn’t help.”

“There’s only one way to find out if this is an electric fence!”
“There’s more than one way!”
“There’s only one way!”
“And he’s making water…”

“Horse cheers or hoarse cheers…?”

“Have you heard the story about stone soup? Let me introduce you to fish pouch jerky.”

“You know, if I could roll above the halfway point, I could do more damage…”

“I was born from the rock, bitch.”

“I don’t know how armor works; I don’t have any.”
“You wear it.”
“I don’t understand. You just get out of the way.”

“Are the spiders having a seance?”
“No, no.”

“How’s an 11?”
“An 11 makes me think I should remind everyone that they got a hero point at the beginning of this session.”

“I thought you didn’t rewrite your whole character!”
“I didn’t! I’m just telling you the relevant bits!”

“I just healed that damage! Can you stay healed for five minutes?!”
“That was ten. We rested.”

“So you’ve injured one of them, right?”
“No.”
“I thought – “
“I pushed one.”

“How old are we again?”
“Twelve.”

“You sound like you’re belittling me a bit.”
“Technically I’d be belittling you even if you were a monk, so….”

“I aim for its mouth, in a non-agressive, ‘here’s a piece of fish’ way…?”

“This is ridiculous. Have a center of mass!”

“Do you need a pointy stick? Is pointy stick one of the elements?”
“Not yet!”

“I think it’s probably not as much the pointy stick as it is the strength damage.”

“So this is literally the vindication of fish we were fighting?”

“That just sounds like you’re being cruel as well as dismissive. ‘Do you want the shit that all the magic was stripped out of?’ Yeah, sure, thanks.”

“More damage never hurts anybody.”

“Timekeeping is not a precise science!”

“This is the worst rave ever. Flash-two-three-four-five-six.”

“So you’re asking for my help.”
“I think it would not be unwise for you to come join this combat that’s about to happen, yes.”

“Do you want to move 10 feet faster?”
“Than zero?”

“It was terrible. The second one was equally as terrible, but with a -5 penalty.”

“Never let it be said I won’t grope a spider to help you.”

“How big is this hole? Is it a small hole? Is it a hole big enough for a stupid man with a spear to fit through?”

“It’s tingle fingers from here on out!”

“Find your own mushroom to hide behind!”
“I’m not hiding behind a mushroom – I’m hiding behind you!”

“How about bleeding objects?”
“Oh, just rub some dirt in it.”

“It’s suddenly a samurai movie.”

“And your third action?”
“I don’t have to, but I vomit anyway.”

“Gotta love it when the monsters stink so much, the party doesn’t bother looting the body.”

“That looks like a ‘fight the elementals while you try to figure out how to turn it off’ puzzle.”
“No, that was this other game I’ve got…”
“Look at that room. Just look at it.”

“Why don’t we use your fish sling?”
“Because it’s not waterproof.”
“We could make it waterproof with those troglodytes in the last room.”
“Pass. Hard pass.”

“Is the bowl attached?”
“I mean, it could be in a relationship, but we’re not gonna know until we ask it.”

“It doesn’t matter how many prones you’re carrying around, to drop one takes an action.”

“It hurts. I don’t know that I’m healing anybody.”

“Is fire a mental state? Is ‘on fire’ a state of mind?”
“Yes.”

“What I’m getting is, if these monsters were nicer, we’d be helping them take over the world.”
“If they were nicer, they’d already have the world!”

“You cannot grep dead trees.”

“We’re gonna get jumped by giant spiders.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
“This is not a plan. This is a horrible consequence.”

“There’s clearly a ghost. How did he get left behind?”
“It’s a statistical error.”

“I just want you to know that I know you’ve failed, and I demand an explanation.”

“Who nominated you captain of the team?”
“God.”
“There’s a lot of those; you’re going to have to be more specific.”
“I don’t thing I need to.”

“Until the end of the turn, you get a save against mental issues.”
“I have plenty of mental issues, but I don’t think I get saves against them…”

“This kobold seems dodgier than the other ones – in multiple respects.”

“You are absolutely sure you have learned your first kobold word, because that expression had to have been ‘fuck.'”

“Jesus – I’m sorry, Taureg.”

“You know, your spear doesn’t work great as a pencil.”
“Oh, that’s why it’s dull.”

“Is that why there’s fish back here…?”
“Shut up, I got a 16 to craft a fish sling!”

“I feel like I’m having god thrust on me! I don’t like when gods thrust on me!”
“Welcome to the Greek pantheon!”

“It’s not a quill because it’s now in your hair, you illiterate philistine elf?”

“Are you saying kobold blood is magnetic?”
“Sure.”

“Do you want to be enfeebled? Because that’s how you get enfeebled.”

“But you know what? You have to face your fears, and you have to fucking stab them in the face. rolls Or not.”