“It was totally worth thunder-waving the nursery.”
“Plant nursery, not child nursery. He did not Thunder Wave the younglings.”
“You hear the distant sound of hernia.”
“It’s cloaca clobberin’ time.”
“You do know that’s a demon, right?”
“We never try talking to them first!”
“Do you want a pact? Because that’s how you get a pact.”
“Schroedinger’s vrock.”
“Yeah, if you took it down in one hit, we were gonna have to start calling you the Red Queen.”
“Are you sure it’s not a mirror?”
“There’s five of us.”
“Three, sir!”
(deep sigh)
“My darkvision is better than yours!”
“It’s artificial…”
“I was going to try diplomancy to begin with.”
“Huh?”
“I don’t understand.”
“Notice how I volunteered you for the stabbing.”
“Notice how I was standing at the front.”
“Notice how I’m standing at the back.”
“Transmutation. My specialty.”
“Is it?”
“That’s what I tell myself.”
“Someone grease the wizard.”
“That’s why we bring chicks into the dungeon – in case there’s any heavy lifting.”
“You could shrink the ram down.”
“That was an accidental side effect, not an actual spell I know.”
“You’re a wizard; you can research it!”
“Sure. I’ll just set up camp for a year.”
“I go through the door.”
(distracted pause) “But how…”
“Turn the knob – “
” – open the door – “
” – I turn the doorknob – “
“…No, I mean the book.”
“Please stop. Please stop. I know you want to get to the doing stuff part, but let’s at least try to do the thinking part first.”
“There’s nothing in the room but a glowing blue lever.”
“This isn’t suspicious at all.”
“I’m going to go look at the lever. I’m not going to pull the lever or poke the lever or lick the lever.”
“Man, if only we had leveled. I could have flown out of this. I couldn’t fly the rest of you…”
“If it helps at all, this entire floor is called ‘the levers.'”
“Define ‘helps.'”
“Honestly, if I get a shot at whoever built this, I’m gonna take it slow. I’m gonna start at the groin…”
“And we know who’s going to push the button.”
“Why are you all looking at me?”
“I got to grapple a table.”
“I lassoed one. Sort of.”
“I got trampled by one.”
“That sounds less good.”
“That’s Morgan.”
“Less good?”
“This is why you fail.”
“He did not fail.”
“He quit.”
“Look, I’m taking a long rest. A VERY long rest.”
“I’m not saying there’s a guy that looks more targety than the rest of us, but…”
“It’s like I just blew a 2nd and a 3rd level spell to look more targety.”
“I feel like you’re making this up.” pause “You in fact have 4 backpacks.”
“He’s over his weight limit with backpacks.”
“I calculated my encumbrance, sir. I am 2lbs under.”
“I mean, I could poison you again or have my centipede bite you, and we could let war of the toxins happen, but that seems like a terrible idea.”
“So what’s the penalty for attacking somebody that’s grappled?”
“I glare at you across the table.”
“Can I bite him?”
“You get a mouthful of water.”
“That’s what I was trying to do anyway…”
“If there’s anything I’ve learned in all my years, it’s that a seeing-eye goldfish isn’t useful.”
“Don’t drink the clear water. There’s a water wyrd. And no vision. It’s not worth it.”
“Yeah, I make a little note to myself: get the hell out before starting to use inane [sayings]…”
“He’s very judgy about people.”
“The word is judgmental.”
“Take some buttons. Last motherfucker who didn’t take any buttons got shivved.”
“Would we be there after the fall? During it? Before it?”
“It would be our fault. That’s about normal for us.”
“Do you have a chocolate chip spell?”
“I do not. That would be him.”
“You’re putting a lot on Create Food and Water.”
“I like to think of this as ‘helping my encumbrance problem.'”
“Having others carry your food?”
“You’re giving your fish a complex.”
“I have to give my fish whatever I can, because that’s my responsibility. Complexes, self-esteem issues…”
“You’ve gotta give that the side-eye thing.”
“We’ve done that before.”
“We’ve built entire games around that before.”
“Have you picked up any new knicknacks today?”
“Define today.”
“Kay… there’s a lot of past tense in that sentence.”
“I am of course not as well-versed in magic as others – “
“You were in all the same classes.”
“Yeah, but there were other things to do than pay attention in class.”
“If there’s anything we’re really good at chasing, it’s afterthoughts.”
“There are not visible hinges.”
“There will be when we’re done beating on it.”
“I’m not disagreeing with any of that. I’m just disagreeing with the usage of the word ‘reasonable’ in this context. I hope the wizard that created it is still alive, and suffering for it.”
“If the painting of a dog that just popped into real life can look confused, this one does.”
“Why are these entrails covered in sparkles?”
“Do you want to hit Sariel?”
“Yes, but I’m going to hit number 2.”
“What? Why are you glaring at me? Those just appear sometimes!”
“The other thing I was thinking was that you have been the only one on the plinth – “
“Only elves summon hellhounds.”
“That’s good. That’s plausible. I’m changing my answer.”
“I have to admit, there’s a small part of me that wants to just turn them all.”
“Only turn one side of the debate.”
“Jesus. They have a lot more insight than I do.”
“They’ve been arguing with each other for decades. You’ve only been arguing with yourself in the mirror for decades.”
“Yeah, no, that cave looks dragon-y. I’m out.”
“There was the headless skeleton, I put the head on him, Harvey followed us into the chess room, and the ghosts killed him because they’re bitches.”
“What do you believe your weight to be? Taking into account – “
“The massive crossbow?”
“Yeah.”
“Massive crossbow, moderate elf…”
“Well, if I had known that in the 45 minutes we were in that room…”
“You know, I could attack Carrick – nah, I’ll wait until he does some damage.”
“He used to be a knight.”
“Until he took an arrow the knee. And the other knee. And the shoulder. And the head.”
“Nine points of damage.”
“You’re supposed to be doing a lot more damage! I think I’m out-damaging you at this point.”
“A pit trap is nothing. But if you hate someone enough to make the floor hit the ceiling…”
“Why would you do that? Why.”
“Well, you run, and then you push off and… fail that…”
“You should be at full hit points.”
“I am at full hit points. Wizard, my friend. Full hit points is 17.”
“How many worms did you stick in his ear before you woke him up?”
“Worms. Right.”
“There was a lot of talk about just the tip while you were gone.”
“That’s a disabled trap. You don’t want me to fix this!”
“I was thinking about checking it for traps.”
“Yeah, but that’s what the lightning bolt is for! If there’s a trap, we get deep-fat-fried.”
“Is this one a zinc disk? Because I don’t think we brought any potatoes with us.”
“Halfway down the hall, there’s a grate. Well, it’s not that great…”
“So about halfway down the hallway, there’s an adequate.”
“They call them aqueducts.”
“Does everyone think this is a good idea?”
“No, but it’s funny.”
“And we can’t stop her.”
“The first puzzle I had in D&D was a checkerboard. And it killed 3/4 of us.”
“Well, hopefully this won’t kill 3/4 of you.”
“That would be hard to do, considering there’s 5 of us.”
“Wizard chess!”
“It’s not like we’re in a Harry Potter ripoff or anything…”
“Do I have enough of these? That’s never what you want to hear the GM say.”
“I mean, to be fair, it’s not doing anything except sticking into this piece of blue tack like some sort of low-rent sword in the stone.”
“I like this story you guys are making up. I should submit it to [the authors of the adventure we’re playing].”
“Listen, you only have to open one door with a wheel on it that leads to the ocean…”
“There’s a lot of things that would have to go right for that, and I’m against it.”
“It’s a 20×20 room. You guys take up half of it.”
“Yeah, I just want to be in the half that’s away from them.”
“Thirty-six.”
“Feels good, doesn’t it?”
“Next time, take my fucking button.”
“The water elementals do not have a delicate setting – I understand.”
“Stop!”
“I don’t like stopping here!”
“Stop! Optimal ass-stabbing location!”
“I was not magical.”
“This is true. You just have buttons and knives.”
“‘Would thou’st drown/Or would thou’st burn?'”
“Hmm. Is there a third option?”
“Is this where we all put on moustaches so she thinks she came out somewhere else?”
“I mean… the last time I diguised myself, it didn’t go well.”
“Yeah. You didn’t even fool a wall.”
“If I’m the only one that went blind…”
(a few minutes later)
“Yeah, you’re the only one that went blind.”
“And nobody is gonna know.”
“We don’t have a winged familiar at this time.”
“Did you say ‘flinged familiar?'”
“How many times did we overthink in here?”
“How many times did we underthink in here?”
“Oh thank god. I’ve been looking forward to this for forty years.”
“Does he have a fork to be kicked in?”
“Wanna see how useful of a spellcaster I am? I shoot him with an arrow.”
“I am also cursing like a sailor.”
“Uh, sailor wouldn’t have been tripped up by that.”
“I’m great at those.”
“Actually great or Morgan great?”
“Not quite ready to dip our tootsies in the water?”
“I had my bath last month. Forty years ago last month.”
“We’re going to need to drag the river.”
“I was going to pee in it.”
“Uhhhh… let’s save that for later.”
“We can’t go back, because then we’d have to go through the water elemental room, and that is a no.”
“When you were drowning in the water elemental room, you were perfectly hydrated.”