EmeraldSilver Blogs

“What secrets do you have?”
“Well… I can’t tell you because then it wouldn’t be a secret anymore.”

“Who wants to join the gang and can’t?”
“My brother. Felix.”
“Felix is my best friend.”

“I have an encyclopedia.”
“Abridged or volume of a set?”
“I have a backpack…”

“Darryl, do you have any friends? I mean Sangvard!”
“Well.”
“Besides them! I didn’t mean for it to sound that way. I guess I should have asked who else you’re friends with…”

“So where do you guys bike to?”
“…You started this.”

“Remember when he fell out of the window?”
“I jumped out of the window to make a point.”
“Was the point ‘oops’?”

“For the record, I don’t have a bike. I have everyone’s childhood nightmare. It’s a beautiful little pony whose soul has been impregnated by Satan. It doesn’t like ANYONE.”
“I’m sure that’ll come in handy later.”
“It knows all the tricks to dump whoever’s riding it in the dirt. But I’ve had it since I was three, so even though it’s old enough to drink legally, I know how to stay on.”

“So was anybody foraging for mushrooms this week?”
“Foraging?”
“Wait, you know how to find mushrooms?”

“Wait, when did she become a sorceress?”
“The minute she fled.”
“Look, if she was a witch, she would have confronted us.”

“I was right – those birds were metal!”
“But she’s not a witch. Or a sorceress.”
“He said witch first.”

“Look, I’m pretty sure this is a classic story of a scientist falling in love with a crazy lady and getting on a train with her. Sorry – that’s your aunt, right?”
“No, she’s crazy.”

“Ok, we need like 10 pounds of ground beef.”
“Where’s Lars?”

“I know people who have boats down by the water. I don’t know anyone that has ground beef down by the water.”

“There are actually a small number of birds who come down and investigate the boat, because to them it doesn’t make sense.”
“It doesn’t make sense to us either.”

“‘I knew there was something about you I didn’t like.’ I throw my fish out the window.”

“Then I will make a door with a latch and two hinges.”
“Two hinges, and no more. Three is right out.”

“It says these creatures ascend the staircase tirelessly… unless a stone wall stops them.”

“Assuming we survive this, how much would it cost me to hire you to just make me potions of haste constantly?”
“Sounds great. We’ll just retire from this job, live on a beach, and sell meth to people.”

“Let’s be honest here, at this point Sariel looks like an old woman with a macrame obsession.”

“Why would I go to a teacher for help here?”

“Ok, then I will do the thing I never thought I would do and cast a hateful spell at a rock.”

“…Was it a good shudder or a bad shudder? Because I’m not sure.”
“Interpret it as you will.”

“I have my mental stats and his physical stats. Which, some of his physical stats are better than mine – not that one, that one’s worse.”

“They’re going to call you Morgan the Unkillable.”
“Stop trying!”

“It’s a little-known fact that all armor in 5E has a little bit of spandex…”

“I’m not looking forward to getting hit with those hands.”
“Or the students.”
“That’s why I’m not looking forward to getting hit with those hands – they’re covered in student.”

“No one can see Khleyo, but everyone knows where she is, because there’s a fountain of blood coming out of the back of the ogre.”
“I’m dodging! That’s gross and I can see it coming, so I’m dodging!”

“It looks like it’s a material between silk and velvet – “
“Mmm. Velour.” (from 2 directions)
“That’s not between silk and velvet. That’s between velvet and polyester.”

“Why would there be a pearl? It’s a wizard’s school and it’s a spell component!”

“You are slowly climbing down my favorite squishy list.”

“So you were just going to armor your fish?”
“Yes!”
“That makes more sense.”

“From now on, in this game world, ‘putting on airs’ will be referred to as ‘putting on ears.'”

“Not a fan of acid. Not a fan of vomit. Not a fan of pixies.”

“I think we’re trying to 3.5 our 5E again.”

“Well, that’s not the greatest dice I’ve ever rolled – “
“It’s just a tribute.”

“You never realized it before, but Khleyo is frightening.”
“That’s not new.”

“The horns don’t look right.”
“They don’t look right – they look left.”

“Really kind of needed you on the ground.”
“You didn’t say please.”

“Morgan! I have good news and bad news. You’re unconscious. And very cold. But you’re not afraid of the moose.”

“Eat scorching ray – well, not that one.”

“Doppler effect moose?”
“Is that moose coming towards us or away from us?”

“His reign of terror ends! Well, his reign of walking around and doing nothing ends.”

“I didn’t realize a rapier could turn into a blender…”

“That has no nutritional value, you know.”
“The people down in that dungeon survived for ages on that mayonnaise.”
“The prestidigitation, not the mayonnaise.”

“We scared it good.”
“It was mutual.”

“My whole life flashed before my eyes. That’s happened a lot recently, though, so I just skipped ahead to the good parts.”

“I mean, we only lost half a student once…”

“How are you at illusions?”
“Bing! Elf ears.”
“So not much better than me…”

“Ok, I’ve got five minutes to ‘as long as it takes’…”

“I love the arboretum. That’s where I got this.”
“Didn’t you also spend part of your time in the arboretum hiding under a table and screaming?”

“Him hiding under a table and screaming doesn’t really make a place memorable.”

“I look at the corpses.”
“Don’t touch them.”
“Don’t taste them.”

“If we just made a list of all the unimportant things he has to do because he’s an elf…”

“You’re not going to attack; you’re just going to annoy.”
“Yeah.”

“OK, pull like glue, or pull like salt water taffy?”
“Probably like taffy.”

“That, my friend, is disgusting.”
“It’s pretty gross.”
“I am gonna need a young flamethrower and an old flamethrower.”

“Is there anything cool in there?”
“Do you like oozy acid?”
“No.”
“Then no.”

“Let’s beach this mushroom cap.”

“Straight towards the bird.”
“Yeah.”
“Caveat: I’m going to stick along the wall, because I firmly believe I’m a ninja right now.”

“And Kleo, how are you approaching?”
“With poise and determination.”
“Straight towards the duck?”
“Yeah.”

“Ra, ra, red, hit it in the head!”
“Ah, not the head.”
“Ra, ra, cloaca, hit it till it ache-a?”

“Kacey, I have a problem.”
“You don’t know what’s nearest to you.”
“Ok, I have two problems. I don’t know what’s closest to me, and I have a terrible plan in mind, but it requires breaking the law of the berserk – but I think is well within the spirit.”
“What is it?”
“I want to get on the duck’s back so I can more effectively hit it with my axe.”

“Don’t lick the fish. We’ve done that before.”
“That was one time!”

“Commodore Garlic was the bad guy the whole time.”

“They’re about the size of the dwarf when he’s curled up in a fetal position after taking the damage.”
“I don’t curl up in the fetal position. I just continue to take the damage.”

“How expensive was the sending?”
“It’s just a spell.”
“I guess it’s unreasonable to send 25 curse words. Well, 24 curse words and one ‘YOU’.”

“And I totally would have done stuff the round before the door opened if I had realized I was about to open the door.”

“when did she become the lady with the bad breath?”
“I seem to recall last time we were here, she breathed on us – “
“It was Thunder Breath!”
“And it was bad!”

“Do you have any hit points left?”
“I have fifteen. Which is almost as many as you have in total.”

“Aww, did he fall down?”
“Well, he slumped in his chair. But I have neither a chair nor a mini that can slump in it.”

“I came to this school to learn magic, and what did I learn? How to lasso tables. Animate tables.”

“Make a Charisma check. We’ll pretend you’re putting more charisma into that.”
rolls “No, that’s exactly how it went.”

“All I Have are Twilight Mother Chick tracts.”

“Ah yes, I remember the ultimate in sneaky tricks: flip board, shoot arrow. Right?”

“I feel like we’re looking for a short-term fix for a long-term problem.”
“I feel like the short-term fix will make the long-term fix someone else’s problem.”
“Spoken like a true headmaster, sir.”

“My ass is not a magic door, sir. Or even particularly secretive.”

“We can cannibalize the monkey bridge.”
“Aww, but that’s my favorite.”
“Fuck that bridge.”

“You know whoever creates the trap gets all the XP.”
“‘How did you get to be so high level?’ ‘Mmm… graduate students.'”

“So you can fall in because it’s lubricated?”
“We’ll know where it’s lubricated.”
“Except we’re not lubricating it, because nobody has anything to do it with.”
“That they’re admitting to…”

“Darryl, I want you to know that this is Kacey’s fault and he knows what he did.”

“You take 5 points of damage.”
“Bludgeoning, piercing slashing?”
“Piercing.”
“Mastication.”
“That’s not in the rulebook.”
“But it should be.”

“I would like you to know that if you’re robbing me, you’re just practicing.”

“Take it and love it – 9 points of damage.”
“He doesn’t love it.”
“Oh, he’s gonna love it.”

“How are you going to become a world-class necromancer if you only know one necromancy spell?”

“You should be able to open the door.”
“Can I borrow your credit card?”
“Sure…?”
“Black titanium? You’ve been holding out on us.”
“Look, it’s my dad’s, from the cartographer’s guild, and it’s only for emergencies.”

“Can… can I have them this time?”
“Yes, because you’re no longer an enemy.”
“But if you make any more mistakes, I’m taking them away again. I brought these hit points into the world; I can take them away!”

“I realized months ago that I am not a spellcaster.”
“Well, if you were, you’d have 18 hit points.”
“Hm.”

“It’s one of the… mechanical bendy mattresses.”
“Adjustable?”
“YES.”
“I was thinking not reclinable… declinable…? No…”

“A rather lithe tiefling covered in blood-red skin – “
“His or someone else’s?”

“I do have swimming actually written on my character.”
“But does it have a number next to it?”
“It does not.”

“Four hours of glowing.”
“Could be four days.”
“Weeks.”

“Wear the leather…”
“There’s a door. I’d like to go through the door before you bash on my fashion choices.”

“Are we talking ‘I ate too much’ groaning or ‘brains’ groaning?”
“Or both?”

“I’m an elf. It’s fine. This is handwave territory for an elf.”
“I’m not sure it is.”

“I just love that there’s a duality of whether you printed it wrong or whether it was a mistake to give him a copy.”

“If it was me, I’d put it on the trap trigger, so you get a little tingle when someone gets crushed by a rock.”